ALL THE SEX I’VE HAD THIS YEAR, RATED

Every year when my virginity restarts on Jan. 1, I record and rate all the sex I have had by month and man. Some of these entries might sound unreal and completely ridiculous to you, but trust me when I say that they’re all true and even more ridiculous in real life. Take a peek into my exciting life as a serial polygamist:

January

Honestly, my year started out celibate as fuck. Why? Because no one has time to do the dirty during the quarter when we take the most units. But thankfully I got dicked down last minute when my lab partner and I gave into fucking each other as we both failed our midterms. 6/10.

February

This month I screwed a republican. I know this is looked down upon for leftists such as myself, but honestly, it was the best hate-sex I’ve ever had. And who said nothing good ever came out of political differences? I definitely came. 9.8/10.

March

I did a lot of 69ing around this time because I was seeing a high-strung engineering major who was always running late to things. First of all, it was a bitch because he was a foot taller than me. Second, are we really that pressed for time??? I am still currently suffering permanent damage to my neck. 6.9/10.

April

Ah, yes. April. The official start of mating season. This month I went to Cabo and had lots of sex on boats. 4/10.

May

In May I met the lucky person who would become my main side hoe. He was promoted to that title after I found out he had the two components for a perfect fuck-buddy: a single dorm and a car. Sex this month was incredible. 10/10.

June/July

I spent this summer illegally teaching sex-ed in Southeast Asia (don’t ask) during a time of political turmoil. I had lots of fear-sex in planes and other modes of transportation with other backpacking strangers. 8/10.

August

This month I was dating someone who wanted us to get to know each other before doing the dirty, so this sucked for me because I’m usually a fuck-on-first-eye-contact kind of gal. I had to ghost him because I’m afraid of commitment. 6/10.

September

This month was my favorite because everyone came back to school horny and ready to fuck till dawn. This month was also the best because I met a guy who could go up to 7 rounds (!) in one night. Unfortunately I had to stop seeing him so often because I hate cardio. 7/10.

October

I had lots of spooky sex this month. I’m talking about pumpkin flavored condoms and lots of roleplay involving Jason masks. 9.5/10.

November

I had lots of thankful sex this month. Happy Thanksgiving!

December

December’s the perfect time to have jolly sex in front of a fire. Not an actual fire in a fireplace, but rather one of those 10 hour videos of a fireplace instead. When I tried having sex in front of a real fire, I caught on flames. Happy Hoelidays! 10/10.

Diana Prince is the unofficial Daily Nexus Sex and Relationship Columnist. She often wonders what kind of mother she will be in the future.