Every year when my virginity restarts on Jan. 1, I record and rate all the sex I have had by month and man. Some of these entries might sound unreal and completely ridiculous to you, but trust me when I say that they’re all true and even more ridiculous in real life. Take a peek into my exciting life as a serial polygamist:
Honestly, my year started out celibate as fuck. Why? Because no one has time to do the dirty during the quarter when we take the most units. But thankfully I got dicked down last minute when my lab partner and I gave into fucking each other as we both failed our midterms. 6/10.
This month I screwed a republican. I know this is looked down upon for leftists such as myself, but honestly, it was the best hate-sex I’ve ever had. And who said nothing good ever came out of political differences? I definitely came. 9.8/10.
I did a lot of 69ing around this time because I was seeing a high-strung engineering major who was always running late to things. First of all, it was a bitch because he was a foot taller than me. Second, are we really that pressed for time??? I am still currently suffering permanent damage to my neck. 6.9/10.
Ah, yes. April. The official start of mating season. This month I went to Cabo and had lots of sex on boats. 4/10.
In May I met the lucky person who would become my main side hoe. He was promoted to that title after I found out he had the two components for a perfect fuck-buddy: a single dorm and a car. Sex this month was incredible. 10/10.
I spent this summer illegally teaching sex-ed in Southeast Asia (don’t ask) during a time of political turmoil. I had lots of fear-sex in planes and other modes of transportation with other backpacking strangers. 8/10.
This month I was dating someone who wanted us to get to know each other before doing the dirty, so this sucked for me because I’m usually a fuck-on-first-eye-contact kind of gal. I had to ghost him because I’m afraid of commitment. 6/10.
This month was my favorite because everyone came back to school horny and ready to fuck till dawn. This month was also the best because I met a guy who could go up to 7 rounds (!) in one night. Unfortunately I had to stop seeing him so often because I hate cardio. 7/10.
I had lots of spooky sex this month. I’m talking about pumpkin flavored condoms and lots of roleplay involving Jason masks. 9.5/10.
I had lots of thankful sex this month. Happy Thanksgiving!
December’s the perfect time to have jolly sex in front of a fire. Not an actual fire in a fireplace, but rather one of those 10 hour videos of a fireplace instead. When I tried having sex in front of a real fire, I caught on flames. Happy Hoelidays! 10/10.
Diana Prince is the unofficial Daily Nexus Sex and Relationship Columnist. She often wonders what kind of mother she will be in the future.
Just some constructive advice from a female reader. This article sends a very dangerous image of woman in Santa Barbara and you are doing a disservice to woman in general.
“This month I was dating someone who wanted us to get to know each other before doing the dirty, so this sucked for me because I’m usually a fuck-on-first-eye-contact kind of gal”…
Great! I wander what message this sends to men? I guess it’s “okay” to just ” fuck-us-on-first-eye-contact”…
Please use this media outlet more constructively. There is already too many bad influences out there already.
sex is fine and natural breh. just don’t be an asshole.
and lul to that mini rant about males.
So you’re saying a woman in Santa Barbara talking about her experiences as a woman in Santa Barbara is doing a disservice to women in Santa Barbara? This is obviously rape culture.
Read the top you nitwits, it’s says “satire”
This is SATIRE. Look up what that means if your tiny frustrated brain is having a hard time figuring it out on its own.
This is rape culture as fuck….
“I’m usually a fuck-on-first-eye-contact kind of gal”…. I guess eye sight assumes consent
All those involved in the publishing of this article should be held accountable.
Do you know what satirical means? If not, maybe you should leave your safe spaces at the SRB and open up a book.
lmao THANK YOU. Some people have emotions before reason, but never choose to reconcile. Poor nitwits.
When you have too much to drink one night, and “hook up” (as the children say) with someone you regret the next morning, will you cry rape? Probably.