Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Third-Year Dan Nutmeg Identified as Student Consistently Coughing in Your Lecture

November 14, 2017 by

They said it couldn’t be done, but that one guy always coughing in your lectures has finally been identified as third-year biology major Dan Nutmeg.
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Student Accidentally Changes Majors While Registering on G.O.L.D.

November 13, 2017 by

Winter quarter registration pass times have quickly arrived, leaving everyone panicking about getting the classes they need while dreaming about the perfect world they will immerse themselves in if th...
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Ask Eggbert: Important questions for Eggbert

November 10, 2017 by

Eggbert the Alien is back again and sharing his universally renown wisdom on all things from budding classroom romances to dirty dishes.
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Top 5 Sexiest Trump Tweets

November 9, 2017 by and

With just over a year since, Nexustentialism reflects on just how unbelievably sexual some of Trump's tweets are. Here's the five that got us the most wet:
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Freshmen Outraged After Multiple Costumes Go to Waste

November 2, 2017 by

Several disappointed freshmen have been seen mourning the loss of their high school graduation money after spending it on an arsenal of Halloween costumes fit to combat the Halloweens of Isla Vista’...
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Ask Eggbert: Study Break

November 1, 2017 by

While Eggbert the Alien may be new to Earth, he is not new to the pursuit of knowledge. Here, students ask UCSB’s resident alien a few questions about academia, studying for midterms, writing papers...
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9 Costumes Chancellor Yang Doesn’t Want You to Wear

October 31, 2017 by

In a statement from the Office of the Chancellor yesterday, Chancellor Henry T. Yang expressed his wishes for a “peaceful Halloween with limited buffoonery." There were additional calls for students...
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Spice It up with Pumpkin Spice Jungle Juice

October 30, 2017 by

Everywhere you go there are pumpkin-spiced treats: cafes, restaurants, bakeries — even Bath & Body Works. If you want to stay home, though, fret not! You too can recreate this delicious taste.
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Students Redefine ‘Facing off’ Over Halloween Concert Ticket Sales

October 28, 2017 by

Since tickets are now linked with ACCESS cards and ASPB members are patrolling Free & For Sale like over-eager hawks, student’s have now taken to fully assuming the identity of fellow Gauchos to be ...
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Library Locals Lib Life to The Fullest

October 23, 2017 by

Case-Barnes deliberately expressed that his glorified tree graveyard has all the comforts of home that an over-caffeinated nerd could dream of.
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New Pardall Stoplight Causes Students to Lose God Complex

October 19, 2017 by

Three weeks into the school year and the controversial decision to install a traffic light on Pardall has seemed to pay off.
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Gauchos Have Chip on their Shoulder After Tie

October 17, 2017 by

After a whole year of anticipation, thousands of Gauchos drunkenly staggered to Harder Stadium on Saturday evening to unite over their contrived love for a sport they know nothing about.
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USMNT Failure To Have Far Reaching Implications on Me Specifically

October 11, 2017 by

The US Men's soccer team has failed to qualify for next summer's world cup and Jenny both doesn't want to talk about it, yet can't stop talking about it.
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DP Nightlife Guide for Freshmen

October 5, 2017 by

Welcome freshmen! First things first: We are not friends. But from the goodness of my heart, I found it within myself to give you this nightlife guide.
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College Ends as Institution After Students Collectively Decide They’re ‘Not Down’

September 28, 2017 by

The Twitter-sphere, Facebook-sphere, Instagram-sphere and Snapchat-sphere were all set ablaze this past Sunday morning as the world caught wind of a ground-altering development somehow collectively se...
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