Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

USMNT Failure To Have Far Reaching Implications on Me Specifically

October 11, 2017 by

The US Men's soccer team has failed to qualify for next summer's world cup and Jenny both doesn't want to talk about it, yet can't stop talking about it.
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DP Nightlife Guide for Freshmen

October 5, 2017 by

Welcome freshmen! First things first: We are not friends. But from the goodness of my heart, I found it within myself to give you this nightlife guide.
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College Ends as Institution After Students Collectively Decide They’re ‘Not Down’

September 28, 2017 by

The Twitter-sphere, Facebook-sphere, Instagram-sphere and Snapchat-sphere were all set ablaze this past Sunday morning as the world caught wind of a ground-altering development somehow collectively se...
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Incoming Freshman Ecstatic About Sharing Space Despite Previous Only Child Experiences

September 26, 2017 by

Incoming freshman and only child Ella McLeod just arrived at her new glorified closet for three, and she could not be more pumped to get the siblings she never asked for.
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Rebecca Bell’s 7 Steps to a Perfect Rush!

September 25, 2017 by

I'm here to give you the 4-1-1, what everybody's been up to, the hot gossip. I will tell you everything you need to know about sorority recruitment so you can be as prepared as possible to find your h...
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Two of My Bitches were in the Club; Thankfully Didn’t Know About Each Other

September 12, 2017 by

Tragedy struck Santa Barbara in the late hours of Saturday night as I stumbled my way out of the back of Sharkeez’s bathroom... what happened next will leave you shocked!!!
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Bland Chicken: Easy Meal or Cultural Appropriation?!

August 18, 2017 by

When I think back to my childhood, to some of my fondest memories, I often think of food. I remember the smells of my mom’s kitchen, the first time I made my own breakfast and the under-seasoned and...
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Summer Visitors Create Hell for Introverted Students on Campus

August 9, 2017 by

Incoming visitors from Family Vacation Center and various touring high schools have led to introverted UCSB students feeling as though their sanity is deteriorating, as they remember how glad they are...
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Fresh Meat for Freshmen Program Proves a Huge Missed Steak

July 28, 2017 by

The Commission on Welcoming Freshmen (CWF) has cut funding for their proposed program “Fresh Meat for Freshmen”
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Local Ant Colony Prepares for Upcoming Picnic Season

July 24, 2017 by

As boiling July turns to simmering August, many families prepare last-minute outings before the new school year commences.
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Student Struggles Against Urge To Show-off Newfound Drinking Skills

July 18, 2017 by

Marie Bryant, a soon-to-be third year history student, returned to her hometown of Pasadena, California, to spend the summer break with her family.
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Groundbreaking Research Suggests Bad Jokes Make Great Dads

July 13, 2017 by

Researchers recently discovered revealed groundbreaking evidence that pun-related humor in males is directly correlated with being a good father.
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Student Purchases Dad Hat, Embraces Fatherhood

June 14, 2017 by

Share with the dads in your life.
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5 Ways to Convince Your FWB to Hook Up When They Should Study

June 13, 2017 by

We all know what F stands for.
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My Sext Got Left on Read: Here’s My Story

June 12, 2017 by

Long story short, my award-winning paragraph of graphic erotica got left on read.
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