Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Nexustentialism to Shut Down After Some Girl Kaitlyn says “Not Okay”

January 30, 2018 by

Well, it happened.
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UCSB Accepts Record Number of Out-of-State Students to Pay for New Science Building

January 29, 2018 by

Over 5,000 students were found to have been marked as in-state admissions over 3 years.
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New Chancellor Announced as Large Pile of Money Wearing Glasses

January 26, 2018 by

His glasses are prescription.
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Fuck It, I’m Rating the Birds

January 24, 2018 by

These winged jerks have had it too good for too long.
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Sad! Thousands of New Year’s Resolutions Left Abandoned on Streets of DP

January 23, 2018 by

Sadly, this is an annual occurrence.
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Students in ESS Pre-major Prepare to Literally Jump Through Hoops

January 22, 2018 by

Students have been working diligently to gear up for this week’s final challenge.
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Study Abroad Student Misses Memo, Shows Up 1 Week Early

January 19, 2018 by

The TAs then handed out the exams, and the professor wrote the time remaining on the board. Still, Sanders remained clueless.
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ALL THE SEX I’VE HAD THIS YEAR, RATED

December 18, 2017 by

Every year when my virginity restarts on Jan. 1, I record and rate all the sex I have had by month and man. Take a peek into my exciting life as a serial polygamist:
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10 Stages of Finals Week

December 8, 2017 by

Despair. Pizza cravings. Yerba Mate. More despair. Finals season brings on a whole wave of feelings. Here is what a typical finals week looks like.
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Eggbert: A Year in Review

December 7, 2017 by

As the year comes to a close, Eggbert takes time to reflect on some of the advice he’s given over the course of 2017 and add any additional wisdom he’s picked up along the way.
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All Final Exams Canceled Due to Power Outage

December 6, 2017 by

UCSB officials have announced that all finals are to be canceled due to ongoing power and air quality concerns caused by the Thomas fire.
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Story in Pictures: The Great I.V. Blackout

December 5, 2017 by

Kicking off dead week with some added stress, Isla Vista was plunged into darkness late Monday night, likely as a result of raging fires in Ventura County. Many students abandoned studying to storm DP...
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Lame Frat Tables Their Parties in Arbor

December 1, 2017 by

In an unsurprising turn of events, lame-ass frat Sigma Tau Delta has resorted to tabling in The Arbor yesterday just to get people to come to their dumb parties.
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6 Ways to Fuck Your Bae And Not Your GPA  

November 30, 2017 by

With finals fast approaching we're all running short on time to cram either knowledge or genitalia. Fear not! Below is our illustrated guide on how to make the most of your next two weeks. 
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Emma’s Mom Rates Best Places To Go in I.V.

November 16, 2017 by

With parent’s weekend having just passed, we know the reality has hit that you have no clue what to do when parents come visiting. Fear not: Nexustentialism is here to help. And, never one for an un...
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