Vivian Bui / Daily Nexus

Chad’s Diary — April 6, 2018

Dear Diary,

It happened, I didn’t get into a frat, again. I tried my very hardest but I couldn’t send it, not even half way. I just don’t understand what I did wrong. I tried my very hardest at everything; I only wore Patagonia sweaters no matter how hot it was, I went to every event, I told all the brothers that they were “so dope” and I even mentioned that I’m a plug.

I woke up last night from an amazing dream and was so excited. In my dream, I walked into the SRB and got my envelope and it had bids from EVERY house in it; even the houses I hadn’t visited! In the dream, my awesomeness had spread to everyone, just like I thought it would in real life! Imagine my surprise when I walked into the SRB and received my envelope and it had nothing — not one thing in it. I went to the house, naturally figuring that they were going to hold a surprise congratulations for me … that didn’t happen.

I lay awake now, listening to Sinead O’Connor’s Nothing Compares 2 U as I cry. I spent soooooo much money on Chubbies and YETI mugs; I don’t know what I’m going to do. I told all of my friends and family that I was a shoo-in to get a bid. Now my friends won’t talk to me and my mom just laughs at me.

I always tell her, “No Mom, I will get a bid next quarter, I will! Stop making me feel like a geed!”

How does she know what a geed is? What is a geed? Imma Google it.

At least I still have my lady, Tammi. She will always support me and my hopes and dreams. I know that she won’t mind if do chaw — chewing tobacco to you rookies — or if all I talk about is my squat max, because I know everyone wants to hear my squat max (220, clean).

Who am I going to play beer die with now; I can’t cover all four corners? Tammi can’t help, beer die is a man’s sport. This was my chance to make connections, wear my extensive Hawaiian shirt collection, learn how to butt chug, and maybe, just maybe, make some real friends along the way.

Oh, Diary, I’m so sad. I wish you could come alive and give me a big hug because that’s what I need.

Chad Simpleton is No. 5 in school years but No. 1 in your heart.