Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Students in ESS Pre-major Prepare to Literally Jump Through Hoops

January 22, 2018 by

Students have been working diligently to gear up for this week’s final challenge.
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Study Abroad Student Misses Memo, Shows Up 1 Week Early

January 19, 2018 by

The TAs then handed out the exams, and the professor wrote the time remaining on the board. Still, Sanders remained clueless.
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ALL THE SEX I’VE HAD THIS YEAR, RATED

December 18, 2017 by

Every year when my virginity restarts on Jan. 1, I record and rate all the sex I have had by month and man. Take a peek into my exciting life as a serial polygamist:
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10 Stages of Finals Week

December 8, 2017 by

Despair. Pizza cravings. Yerba Mate. More despair. Finals season brings on a whole wave of feelings. Here is what a typical finals week looks like.
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Eggbert: A Year in Review

December 7, 2017 by

As the year comes to a close, Eggbert takes time to reflect on some of the advice he’s given over the course of 2017 and add any additional wisdom he’s picked up along the way.
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All Final Exams Canceled Due to Power Outage

December 6, 2017 by

UCSB officials have announced that all finals are to be canceled due to ongoing power and air quality concerns caused by the Thomas fire.
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Story in Pictures: The Great I.V. Blackout

December 5, 2017 by

Kicking off dead week with some added stress, Isla Vista was plunged into darkness late Monday night, likely as a result of raging fires in Ventura County. Many students abandoned studying to storm DP...
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Lame Frat Tables Their Parties in Arbor

December 1, 2017 by

In an unsurprising turn of events, lame-ass frat Sigma Tau Delta has resorted to tabling in The Arbor yesterday just to get people to come to their dumb parties.
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6 Ways to Fuck Your Bae And Not Your GPA  

November 30, 2017 by

With finals fast approaching we're all running short on time to cram either knowledge or genitalia. Fear not! Below is our illustrated guide on how to make the most of your next two weeks. 
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Emma’s Mom Rates Best Places To Go in I.V.

November 16, 2017 by

With parent’s weekend having just passed, we know the reality has hit that you have no clue what to do when parents come visiting. Fear not: Nexustentialism is here to help. And, never one for an un...
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Third-Year Dan Nutmeg Identified as Student Consistently Coughing in Your Lecture

November 14, 2017 by

They said it couldn’t be done, but that one guy always coughing in your lectures has finally been identified as third-year biology major Dan Nutmeg.
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Student Accidentally Changes Majors While Registering on G.O.L.D.

November 13, 2017 by

Winter quarter registration pass times have quickly arrived, leaving everyone panicking about getting the classes they need while dreaming about the perfect world they will immerse themselves in if th...
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Ask Eggbert: Important questions for Eggbert

November 10, 2017 by

Eggbert the Alien is back again and sharing his universally renown wisdom on all things from budding classroom romances to dirty dishes.
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Top 5 Sexiest Trump Tweets

November 9, 2017 by and

With just over a year since, Nexustentialism reflects on just how unbelievably sexual some of Trump's tweets are. Here's the five that got us the most wet:
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Freshmen Outraged After Multiple Costumes Go to Waste

November 2, 2017 by

Several disappointed freshmen have been seen mourning the loss of their high school graduation money after spending it on an arsenal of Halloween costumes fit to combat the Halloweens of Isla Vista’...
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