McLane Brown / Daily Nexus

What’s up, bros and gents. It’s Chad here, your trusty bro-expert on all matters regarding getting paid and getting laid. Today I wanna tackle a subject that’s been on everyone’s minds lately: moms. We all have them – even if you don’t have a belly button, like me.

But that’s besides the point. I want to focus on a more serious issue: Are moms girls? Like, I know that my mom is obviously a mom. But in a much more realer sense, my bros, I’m not totally sure if she’s a girl.

Before I continue diving ass-deep into this age-old question, I feel like I should explain to you the difference between my mom, an angel who always offers to make me food, and a girl, who’s never once offered to pay for me whenever I text her at 1 a.m. asking if she wants to get dank nachos at Freebz and then chill at my place later.

Right off the baseball bat, I don’t think moms are girls because girls are hot and my mom, Meredith, is definitely not hot. My mom doesn’t have that rockin’ bod Ashley McHuffington (girl) from gen chem used to have before she got prego and had that gnarly aborsh. So I definitely don’t think moms are girls.

My dudes, if I could explain on a deeper level, it would go like this: girls are like Ms., but moms are like Mrs. If you can’t understand this concept right now, don’t worry because I created an equation to help you. It took me a long time to come up with, so it’s totally chill if you can’t understand it right off the hoo-ha.

Moms = Mrs.

Girls = Ms.

Moms ≠ Ms.

Girls ≠ Mrs.

As you see, moms are far more superior beings than girls because of the extra “r” in their title. Girls have nothing on a title that implies male ownership. Therefore, moms are definitely not girls. You’re welcome.

But all in all bros, it doesn’t matter what we think about this whole shebang. Moms are women and should be respected as such. So I guess in the end we really don’t know if moms are girls or not. But regardless the answer, my bros, I think we should all just take part of the holiday festivities and call our moms to ask for money to buy them a present.

Chad DeLabia is a first-year biopsychology major whose main hobbies include respecting women and riding his motorized skateboard from Embarcadero Hall to I.V. Theater.