Nexustentialism
It's satire, stupid.
In what is breaking news to only white students, an abysmal five percent of students at UC Santa Barbara are actually Black. While Black students have been painfully aware of this fact for a very long...
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Dearest Recruiter, How are you? How have you been? I haven’t heard from you in two months, but I’m doing fine. Being ghosted is normal for me, so just let me know when you want to talk. I’ll be ...
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Ortega dining hall is home to many wonders: a piano for show-offs, vegetarian Mondays and a ghastly mural that might suck out your soul if you look at it for too long. Ortega’s 76-foot-long mural, d...
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Isla Vista is notorious for being devoid of parking spaces; there’s no greater rage than when you think you’ve found a parking spot, but it turns out to be the entrance to someone’s driveway. Th...
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Local resident Virgil Nomo had a busy night last night if you know what I mean, but you probably already heard because he won’t shut up about it.
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There’s a long list of regrettable decisions frequently made by college students: waiting until the night before to start writing a paper, drunkenly emailing your professor to apologize for causing ...
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If you're among the 89 percent of UCSB’s undergraduate population that has not yet joined greek life, you may want to reconsider. As houses on 66-block through 68-block have been making the slow pro...
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Relationships are tough. How tough? Tough to say. In I.V., they’re tougher than a Hydro Flask that just won’t break whenever it smacks into the ground mid-lecture. We can’t just make out in cars...
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If there’s one hook-up everyone remembers as the most magical time of all, it’s when they lost their virginity. The year was 2016. I finally had a boyfriend, Leo was about to win his first Oscar, ...
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Secrecy clouds the enigmatic residents of the 68 block. Not much is known about the mystifying barefooted beings who dwell its streets, but nevertheless, rumors swirl about. We here at Nexustentialism...
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Protests have begun outside Isla Vista Foot Patrol building after many students have called for the release of Tree, who was arrested outside the building in the early morning of Feb. 2 after falling ...
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As campus tour guides, the UCSB website and student Snapchats love to point out, UCSB is renowned for its (relatively) pristine beaches and sunny skies. Freshman Jeremy Yeggie seemed to be in full agr...
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At approximately 9:12 p.m. on Jan. 20, the Earth, for reasons unknown, decided to split its solar and lunar counterparts. Despite similar occurrences in the past, this particular lunar eclipse had an ...
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TOOT! TOOT! It’s me again, bitches. I’m ~back again~ to defend my currently IN STYLE fisherman hat a.k.a. the train conductor.
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In light of the recent Fyre Festival documentaries produced by Hulu and Netflix, many concerned UCSB students have come forward to highlight similarities over the failed festival and a recent Isla Vis...
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A werewolf who definitely howled mid make-out
A performative male dressed as Tyler Durden
The mime that somehow made it hot and cool
The ghost of your situationship (no, it’s actually them)
Frat vampire, and your neck will be bleeding
The angel that has definitely never gone out
The literal devil
A prisoner with fake tattoos that you can pretend are real for the night
A sexy cowboy that definitely used the ride line at least four times
A Patrick Bateman who relates a little too much
The witch who asked for your zodiac sign first
A nurse who will leave you needing CPR
