Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

A Gym Rat’s Guide to Getting Swole AF

November 19, 2018 by

Never skip a workout at the Rec Cen again with these five tips that will get you so swole, you’ll be bigger than The Rock. Take it from me, I’m swole AF.
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New Major, New Me

November 16, 2018 by

After seeing three ‘reading is sexy’ bumper stickers in the span of two hours (and consistently failing every single chemistry course offered at UCSB), Howard felt the universe was telling her it ...
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The Limes vs. Birds Turf Wars Are Tearing This University Apart

November 15, 2018 by

Isla Vista, CA - According to several witnesses, the residents of the 67 block of DP are now split into two halves: those who are staunch Bird advocates and those who prefer Limes. A turf war has been...
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Mr. Brightside Voted “Best Song To Use To Get Laid”

November 14, 2018 by

Fraternity boys rejoice as their favorite and most played song ever now has an additional value. “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers has officially been voted Best Song To Use To Get Laid by none othe...
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Mo Bamba is Over

November 13, 2018 by

Mo Bamba,” the hit masterpiece by national treasure “Mudboy” Sheck Wes has passed away this weekend at the hands of the song’s discovery by White people.
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Freshman’s Guide to the Hierarchy of Roommates

November 10, 2018 by

It’s the first quarter of college. You shake with anticipation, excited as the future of your unsupervised adult life starts now. There is just one thing off about your perfect new life: your new ro...
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I’m Not Mad, I’m Just Disappointed: Parents Weekend 2018 Report

November 9, 2018 by

Well, UCSB’s Parents Weekend came and went, and things were less than perfect. Parents Weekend is supposed to be a time when we can stop having anxiety attacks from econ, pretend like our social liv...
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Now That’s What I Call Stress Eating!

November 8, 2018 by

While some may turn to compulsively smoking stogies or crying in the library’s egg chairs during stressful times, freshman Daniel Diaz has taken up a record-breaking stress eating habit.
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Return of the Shack: How To Get that One Night Stand Out of Your Bed

November 7, 2018 by

To all you newbies, freshmen or downright nice human beings who can’t get that shacker out of your bed, here are seven ways to get him or her to become the Angel of the Morning!
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The 2018 Gaucho Voter’s Guide

November 5, 2018 by

This list features information on special measures exclusively pertaining to life in Isla Vista!
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Cops Caught Flipping Cars to Promote “Keep It Local” Agenda

November 1, 2018 by

Isla Vista residents have recently fallen victim to a series of crimes aptly named by this writer, “Monster Mash Window Crashes.” The local Free & For Sale page and the UCSB “meme page” ha...
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Dear Mother, Halloween Sucks

October 31, 2018 by

We have no hope this Halloween. The fences are high, higher than any of our friends are getting...
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Soccer Players Not Hot Enough To Warrant Sitting Through Whole Game

October 29, 2018 by and

15 minutes into the infamous UCSB versus Cal Poly SLO soccer game, second-year Veronica Dickstein realized that the soccer players weren’t even hot enough to warrant staying any longer than necessar...
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Timely Warning! Here Are The 10 Disappointing Guys Who Will Ask You Out This Quarter

October 26, 2018 by

I’m so over being single, so I’ve taken matters into my own hands and decided to make a Tinder. After my first date off the app, I decided to document the type of guy I went out with and it has re...
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Spooky! Third-year Bryce Smith’s Jersey Duvet Hasn’t Been Washed Since Quarter 1 Year 1!

October 26, 2018 by

Ghouls and witches beware! There is something much scarier creeping upon us this Halloween season.
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