Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

68 Block Myth-Busters

February 13, 2019 by

Secrecy clouds the enigmatic residents of the 68 block. Not much is known about the mystifying barefooted beings who dwell its streets, but nevertheless, rumors swirl about. We here at Nexustentialism...
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IV Foot Patrol Arrests Tree for Sitting on Curb

February 12, 2019 by

Protests have begun outside Isla Vista Foot Patrol building after many students have called for the release of Tree, who was arrested outside the building in the early morning of Feb. 2 after falling ...
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Freshman Picked UCSB for Chance to Wear Redbull Bro Tank All Year Round

February 11, 2019 by

As campus tour guides, the UCSB website and student Snapchats love to point out, UCSB is renowned for its (relatively) pristine beaches and sunny skies. Freshman Jeremy Yeggie seemed to be in full agr...
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Lunar Eclipse Causes Unexpected Menstrual Synchronization Throughout UCSB Sororities

February 7, 2019 by

At approximately 9:12 p.m. on Jan. 20, the Earth, for reasons unknown, decided to split its solar and lunar counterparts. Despite similar occurrences in the past, this particular lunar eclipse had an ...
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Sorority Sally: I Would Die For My Train Conductor Hat

February 6, 2019 by

TOOT! TOOT! It’s me again, bitches. I’m ~back again~ to defend my currently IN STYLE fisherman hat a.k.a. the train conductor.
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Fyre Festival: Isla Vista Dayger Edition

February 4, 2019 by

In light of the recent Fyre Festival documentaries produced by Hulu and Netflix, many concerned UCSB students have come forward to highlight similarities over the failed festival and a recent Isla Vis...
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Everybody on the Fourth Floor of Davidson Should Just Fuck Each Other Already

February 1, 2019 by

Everyone is aware of the diverse personalities that make up the eight floors of the slightly uncomfy Davidson Library: the all-inclusive first floor, the scholars of fifth, the antisocial sociopaths o...
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From Father: A Response to My Unwed Daughter

February 1, 2019 by

Beloved Daughter, It was with great concern and consternation that Mother and I met the distressing news of your being unable to find a husband whilst at university.
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Dazed and Confused: Local I.V. Woman Not Sure What To Do After Phone Dies During Sunset

January 31, 2019 by

Around 5:30 p.m. Saturday evening, tragedy struck the shores of Sands as local I.V. woman Margaret Rogers’s phone battery dropped dangerously low during the most ‘gramable sunset of the year. Just...
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Ask Chad: Chad Simpleton Gives Life Advice

January 31, 2019 by

What’s up demons, it’s ya boy Chad. Last we spoke, I was getting ready for some winter frat rushes and — big spoiler alert — I crushed it and was too cool for every single house. Literally nob...
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Class Know-It-All Won’t Let You Enjoy Things

January 31, 2019 by

Rude! Margaret Paige Claire Allen, first year pre-med major, has been reported by multiple students to Associated Students (A.S.) Judicial Affairs for being a class-know-it-all. While UCSB prides itse...
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Plan To Leave Pregame with Friends for Party with Strangers and Terrible Music Still Good with Everyone

January 25, 2019 by

While enjoying a fun gathering of drinks, friendly faces and favorite tunes, everyone was still completely on board for leaving to go to a house party with sex-crazed belligerents and the world’s wo...
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Why Bus Rides Are My Favorite Part of UCSB Culture

January 24, 2019 by

Sure, UCSB has a lot of great features — the beach, our revered chancellor, that oatmeal they sometimes serve at Portola — but my favorite thing is the bus. There is nothing I love more than stand...
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Dear Father, The Search for a Husband is Fruitless

January 23, 2019 by

Dearest Father, It is with utter chagrin and sorrow that I must report back such tragic news. I write this letter to you during Winter Quarter of my third (3rd!) year of university and I have yet to f...
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2019: New Year, Same Me!

January 22, 2019 by

“New year, new me” proclamations were made around the world on the first of the month, but here in I.V., I have to admit, it’s been a rough start. So, to combat the possibility of failing my goa...
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