Nexustentialism
It's satire, stupid.
First-year Greg Pitkis made breaking news this week after it was revealed that he and his RA, Emily Robinson, have been carrying on an illicit romance. A close source told the Nexus that Pitkis first ...
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In a completely unsurprising turn of events, UCSB has decided to ban the use of bicycles on campus bike paths to allow room for Bird scooters, now the preferred method of transportation for UCSB stude...
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Early last month, a person who doesn’t even go to UCSB made claims at an Associated Students Senate meeting that “the Daily Nexus is really good for toilet paper,” stating further to “please u...
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Hello freshmen! Welcome to my first “Sex with Stench” article, a monthly sex advice column I’ll be doing for Nexustentialism. I’ve chosen watching porn as my first topic because I think it ser...
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Hazing sucks. Dad did it, America did it, but we don’t anymore … right? There has been a rampant increase in reports of hazing here at UCSB and frankly it makes me sick. Looks like this reporter i...
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In an unsurprising and expected series of events, local Isla Vista resident Jackson Smith has finally realized that asking his subleaser to do the bare minimum has proven to be too much for him to han...
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ISLA VISTA, CALIF. - It’s been all the craze. News reports have been coming out of the woodwork in regards to this year’s No-Nut November.
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Section classmates — we all know them, we all love and/or hate them. We’re all forced to spend 50 minutes once a week with them at some point in our undergraduate careers.
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In order to gain an edge over the stiff competition of the god-like surfers and pretty-boy frat stars of Isla Vista, local man Connor Stewart has added a picture of him holding a dead fish to his Tind...
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Never skip a workout at the Rec Cen again with these five tips that will get you so swole, you’ll be bigger than The Rock. Take it from me, I’m swole AF.
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After seeing three ‘reading is sexy’ bumper stickers in the span of two hours (and consistently failing every single chemistry course offered at UCSB), Howard felt the universe was telling her it ...
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Isla Vista, CA - According to several witnesses, the residents of the 67 block of DP are now split into two halves: those who are staunch Bird advocates and those who prefer Limes. A turf war has been...
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Fraternity boys rejoice as their favorite and most played song ever now has an additional value. “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers has officially been voted Best Song To Use To Get Laid by none othe...
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Mo Bamba,” the hit masterpiece by national treasure “Mudboy” Sheck Wes has passed away this weekend at the hands of the song’s discovery by White people.
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It’s the first quarter of college. You shake with anticipation, excited as the future of your unsupervised adult life starts now. There is just one thing off about your perfect new life: your new ro...
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Ride through the bike path without crashing
Find a seat at the red couches on the second floor of the library
Sunrise and sunset dip on the same day
Find parking on Del Playa Drive
Drunk for 24 hours
Bagel crawl
First pick at an Arbor muffin in the morning
Participate in a mosh pit at a band show
Finally talk to their class crush
Get an earlier pass time than their friends in GOLD
Graduate
Successfully walk through I.V. without seeing an old hookup
