Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

How To Lose a Frat Guy in 10 Days

January 11, 2019 by

Frat guys are great … OK, maybe some of them are — jury’s out on the rest. Maybe you get lucky and actually find a decent guy with letters who treats you right, or maybe you don’t. Have you ev...
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UCSB Responds to CCS Break-in: We Would Never Give them Enough To Be Missing 10k

January 10, 2019 by

UC Santa Barbara’s College of Creative Studies was burglarized over winter break, according to an email sent out to all of the college’s students earlier this week. The college estimates the loss ...
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Local, Weak Men Fear Groups of Girls Walking Behind Them

January 8, 2019 by

Men’s rights activists everywhere are finally speaking out about the fear and anxiety induced by a group of girls appearing behind them while walking.
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“Tampons Shouldn’t Be Free,” Cry People Who Don’t Menstruate

January 7, 2019 by

Following a recent announcement that the university will begin offering free menstrual products in the Chi-5 residence halls, a group of offended men emerged from their mothers’ basements and flocke...
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Gaucho Holiday Gift Guide

December 18, 2018 by

Happy Holidays from us at the Nexus! We here at Nexustentialism know how difficult it can be to get some good gifts for your friends and family here at UCSB, so we thought we’d do you a solid and te...
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If Loving You is Wrong, Lock Me Up: An RA Love Story

December 6, 2018 by

First-year Greg Pitkis made breaking news this week after it was revealed that he and his RA, Emily Robinson, have been carrying on an illicit romance. A close source told the Nexus that Pitkis first ...
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UCSB Bans Bikes to Increase Bird Traffic

December 5, 2018 by

In a completely unsurprising turn of events, UCSB has decided to ban the use of bicycles on campus bike paths to allow room for Bird scooters, now the preferred method of transportation for UCSB stude...
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Actually, the Daily Nexus isn’t Toilet Paper — It’s Paper Towels Used for Alc Spills

December 4, 2018 by

Early last month, a person who doesn’t even go to UCSB made claims at an Associated Students Senate meeting that “the Daily Nexus is really good for toilet paper,” stating further to “please u...
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How To Watch Porn in College (Freshmen ONLY)

December 3, 2018 by

Hello freshmen! Welcome to my first “Sex with Stench” article, a monthly sex advice column I’ll be doing for Nexustentialism. I’ve chosen watching porn as my first topic because I think it ser...
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Hazed and Confused

November 30, 2018 by

Hazing sucks. Dad did it, America did it, but we don’t anymore … right? There has been a rampant increase in reports of hazing here at UCSB and frankly it makes me sick. Looks like this reporter i...
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Bare Minimum Proving To Be Too Much to Ask of Subleaser

November 29, 2018 by

In an unsurprising and expected series of events, local Isla Vista resident Jackson Smith has finally realized that asking his subleaser to do the bare minimum has proven to be too much for him to han...
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A Retrospective Look on No-Nut November

November 28, 2018 by

ISLA VISTA, CALIF. - It’s been all the craze. News reports have been coming out of the woodwork in regards to this year’s No-Nut November.
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Choose Your Fighter: Section Edition

November 27, 2018 by

Section classmates — we all know them, we all love and/or hate them. We’re all forced to spend 50 minutes once a week with them at some point in our undergraduate careers.
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Local Man Has Fish Picture on Tinder Profile

November 26, 2018 by

In order to gain an edge over the stiff competition of the god-like surfers and pretty-boy frat stars of Isla Vista, local man Connor Stewart has added a picture of him holding a dead fish to his Tind...
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A Gym Rat’s Guide to Getting Swole AF

November 19, 2018 by

Never skip a workout at the Rec Cen again with these five tips that will get you so swole, you’ll be bigger than The Rock. Take it from me, I’m swole AF.
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