Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Top 5 Fucking Skank Bitches in School

May 13, 2022 by

Hopefully when these people see this list, they might rethink their lives and stop being such fake fucking bitches. One can only hope!
read more

Comedian! Local Man Adds -Ussy to the End of Each Word

May 12, 2022 by

“Heart? Stolen. Panties? Soaked. Hotel? Trivago.”
read more

Op-Ed: I Am a Loyal Patron of the Isla Vista Co-op And I’ll I’m Asking For Is Regular Toothpaste

May 12, 2022 by

Crest, Colgate, Sensodyne —  I’ll take anything, even if only 8/10 doctors recommend it!
read more

Whoopee! The Four Winds Have Arrived in I.V. To Forsake Us All

May 12, 2022 by

After sending a correspondent into the sky via the slingshot we rented from a carnival company, we have received input from the four winds and their thoughts on their massive blowings and whooshes bom...
read more

God Sends 10 Plagues to Isla Vista After Alleged Cancellation

May 11, 2022 by

Esteemed Nexustentialism reporter Roberto Gutierrez discussed this in his article “BREAKING: God Canceled,” but he failed to anticipate the possible ramifications of this cancellation — that bei...
read more

Yummy! Tinder Date Actually Cake

May 10, 2022 by

I figured he was just nervous. But when I got to the booth, he still didn’t move and I knew something was wrong. 
read more

If You Sucked My Tits, You Owe Me a Mother’s Day Card

May 8, 2022 by

You have suckled my breast like an infant — the weakling you are — and I get nothing in return? 
read more

God Cancelled

April 30, 2022 by

Perhaps it is time for the man upstairs to face the social consequences of his actions.
read more

How To Lounge Jubilantly on the Arbor Lawn With Your Multicultural Friends in Front of a Tour Group

April 29, 2022 by

So, if you’re not sure about what to do when you find yourself out with your most diverse group of friends, look no further! We’ve got you covered!
read more

I Am Running for A.S. Senate and This Is My Plan To End the War in Iraq

April 27, 2022 by

As a veteran of three tours of photo-ops at UCSB’s Middle Eastern Resource Center, I am uniquely aware of the incredible human cost and personal toll of the protracted conflict. I know it must end n...
read more

Cute! Duck Couple Reminds You That You’ll Die Alone

April 27, 2022 by

It’s like, how can these ducks find love and I can’t? What’s wrong with me? Am I really less worthy than a duck?
read more

Quirky Check! Aesthetic Girl Spills Yerba Mate in Backpack Instead of Plain, Old Water

April 27, 2022 by

When asked if she had anything of value in the bag she simply replied, “Yes, all my notes are trashed but it’s fine. At least I’m not a loser!” 
read more

I’m Not High

April 20, 2022 by

I am Chicken Joe from Surf’s Up.
read more

Egg Chair Finally Hatches

April 19, 2022 by

Dazed and confused, Mate spoke only in tongues for 22 minutes until he was doused with a gallon of whole milk someone bought from 7-Eleven. Brains everywhere were scrambled. Only then did the question...
read more

Femme Misses Masc Mandate Already

April 14, 2022 by

Dangly earrings and ruffled socks were adorned on every person from wall to wall. This was the day Ininity had dreaded. The UC Santa Barbara Masc Mandate had finally been lifted.
read more