Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

I Lived It: Bearing The Burden Of Being The Funniest Bitch In The GroupMe

July 3, 2022 by

I am too funny for the society I find myself buried within.
read more

Top 10 Things I’d Say If I Were a Tour Guide

June 24, 2022 by

No one here drinks.  Seriously. Del Playa is actually just a place that we gather at on weekends to worship Chancellor Yang and give him all our money. 
read more

UCSB’s Top Students Finish Magna Cum Laude; Bottom Students Reportedly Satisfied

June 16, 2022 by

“We as a community are just so proud of the achievement of these students. They should certainly feel very satisfied with themselves and the effort they have put in. We hope they are experiencing th...
read more

From the Archive: Diet Ice Cream, Dire Consequences

May 27, 2022 by and

Historically, pandemics have forced humans to break with the past and imagine their world anew. Given the unthinkable human tragedy and exposition of the failures and lies of the global capitalist sys...
read more

Local “Nice Guy” Holds Doors Not To “Get Some” but To Satiate Concerning Fascination With Engineering

May 19, 2022 by

“No, I just love hinges. God they are such beautiful mechanisms,” Head stated, as he started to speak faster and faster, his face flushed with enthusiasm.
read more

Report: If One More Man Touches My Waist While Passing Me At A Party, I Am Going To Leap Into The Sun

May 19, 2022 by

Nuffathis’ grimy, formerly-white Air Force 1s began to levitate off the ground. Seemingly set off by another waist-grab, Nuffathis was spurred by the supernatural – selected by the gods, perhaps ...
read more

Sa-tired? Local Funny Business Exhausts Humor Supply

May 19, 2022 by

Not one shred of printable material seems to remain, despite continued, exploratory drilling around the sites we last located the funny.
read more

ducks breaking up

Love Is Dead: Duck Couple Has Affair

May 17, 2022 by

We at the Daily Nexus, personally, are heartbroken to report on the demise of what we thought was a stable tenet of the little joy there is in our decrepit college town. Is pain the only guarantee in ...
read more

ducks breaking up

An Open Letter: Happy Mother’s Day to Mrs. Incredible Only

May 16, 2022 by

Oh, how I long to lovingly nestle my face against your ample bosom, reverting to a childlike state of coziness and dependency.
read more

Top 5 Fucking Skank Bitches in School

May 13, 2022 by

Hopefully when these people see this list, they might rethink their lives and stop being such fake fucking bitches. One can only hope!
read more

Comedian! Local Man Adds -Ussy to the End of Each Word

May 12, 2022 by

“Heart? Stolen. Panties? Soaked. Hotel? Trivago.”
read more

Op-Ed: I Am a Loyal Patron of the Isla Vista Co-op And I’ll I’m Asking For Is Regular Toothpaste

May 12, 2022 by

Crest, Colgate, Sensodyne —  I’ll take anything, even if only 8/10 doctors recommend it!
read more

Whoopee! The Four Winds Have Arrived in I.V. To Forsake Us All

May 12, 2022 by

After sending a correspondent into the sky via the slingshot we rented from a carnival company, we have received input from the four winds and their thoughts on their massive blowings and whooshes bom...
read more

God Sends 10 Plagues to Isla Vista After Alleged Cancellation

May 11, 2022 by

Esteemed Nexustentialism reporter Roberto Gutierrez discussed this in his article “BREAKING: God Canceled,” but he failed to anticipate the possible ramifications of this cancellation — that bei...
read more

Yummy! Tinder Date Actually Cake

May 10, 2022 by

I figured he was just nervous. But when I got to the booth, he still didn’t move and I knew something was wrong. 
read more