Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Thanks for bringing your moms this weekend

November 30, 2022 by

This year, I especially want to thank everyone who invited their mom for Parents’ Weekend, and I want to assure you that we had a lovely time together last night.
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Breaking: Hot Ticket UCSB holding group of average white men hostage

November 29, 2022 by

“Oh, it was absolutely horrible,” the Goleta Chief of Police Owen K. Bacon said. “From what Detective Rodriguez described, they weren’t even allowed their Sony headphones.”
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Nexustentialism’s favorite strikes

November 8, 2022 by

Nexustentialism writers share their favorite strikes.
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Efficient! Scootering Snag employee breaks sound barrier

November 8, 2022 by

“Speed. I am speed. 42 bitters. 42 boozers. I eat boozers for breakfast.”
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“Her loss bro,” says some guy in Hugh Hefner costume

November 7, 2022 by

Ever since the most famous split in DP history — other than when the deck fell from the cliff — Cockrey has been reportedly “on his king shit” trying to move on from Malessence.
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“He’s never gonna find someone like me,” says some girl in angel costume

November 7, 2022 by

“Like, it’s so stupid. He’s literally losing his chance, and I have, like, everything he could ever want!” says Starchy Malessence, “I don’t know what to do!”
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Study: all your schoolmates have their shit together

November 7, 2022 by

The study seems to indicate that practically everyone you vaguely know from class is capable of juggling excellent results in school, a decently paying job, fulfilling social lives and at least three ...
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The seniors I was attached to graduated.

November 7, 2022 by

I’m assuming alumni network shit is great and all, but I think what we really need is a support group for dumb little freshman who get attached to seniors.
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Top 5 choices to replace Pizza My Heart

November 7, 2022 by

Here are our top 5 picks on what new business should replace the pizzeria.
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SWAT team surrounds apartment of UCSB student who took more than one apple from DLG

October 11, 2022 by

These kids need to stop expecting us to feed them all the time, who do they think we are? Also, we’re never bringing Late Night back so stop asking.
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Bike pile caused by Looney Tunes-style faux tunnel

October 11, 2022 by

The girl ran straight into what looked exactly like the same old tunnel. All the others followed suit and then there was just a cloud of smoke with cartoon sound effects coming out of it, and a tangle...
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Theater majors with praise kink doing terribly

October 11, 2022 by

I’ve been rejected from the shows so many times that I was Pavlovian-style conditioned into liking it
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Warning: God doesn’t answer prayers about Chem 1A

October 11, 2022 by

According to them, there is no omniscience powerful enough, no divine light bright enough to combat your holy ineptitude.
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I will make no apologies for the person I become on the bike path

October 11, 2022 by

Get out. Leave. Literally, take your bike and start riding across the grass, because at the speed you’re going, you’ll get to class at the same time anyways. It’s what you deserve.
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Incoming freshman decides racist mascot fucked up, but not dealbreaker

October 2, 2022 by

“I thought it was a raccoon,” the poor little dunce choked out through tears of white guilt.
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