Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Local woman hyped for Valentine’s Day card haul from dentist, Victoria’s Secret

January 25, 2024 by

“Contrary to popular belief, I actually receive much correspondence from a variety of suitors,” McKinsey purrs contentedly.
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Five nights at FT: Avoiding the RA’s when I’m blackout drunk

January 25, 2024 by

The mere two times a week that I inflict a near-death experience upon myself with Tito’s mixed with stolen DLG cranberry cocktail, how are the RAs suddenly there?
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LovedIn: how to find romance on networking websites

January 19, 2024 by

Gauchos, it’s time to get professional. It’s time to connect. It’s time to slide into those LinkedIn DMs.
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Freshman Stanley Cup filled with milk

January 18, 2024 by

Some say they can still see the outline of the milky edge burned into the floor where the incident occurred...
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Dad juked in UCen after getting into speedwalker’s way

November 29, 2023 by

Visiting father Ken Williams, father of Elise Williams, fell victim to UC Santa Barbara’s epidemic of aggressive speedwalkers during this past Parents & Family Weekend. What was supposed to be a fu...
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Top 10 topics to turn the table at Thanksgiving

November 29, 2023 by

We get it, Thanksgiving is a hard time for everyone. You have to go home, eat an overhyped yet terrible-tasting bird and, if that wasn’t enough, your slightly problematic relatives are there to cele...
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“We have the right of way:” Local bikers continue to cut off ambulances

November 28, 2023 by

The Santa Barbara County Emergency Medical Services has recently issued a public service announcement stating that bikers must comply with regulations regarding emergency vehicles. 
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White friend shows up to DP party at 8:30 p.m.

November 28, 2023 by

Your Friday started off mostly normal — just the end of another slow dredge through the week culminating in plans to finally go out with your friend Friday night. But you were confused when he (with...
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Call to action: We need to keep talking about Barbenheimer

November 6, 2023 by

As UC Santa Barbara’s class of 2027 sat for their convocation ceremony in Week 0, they were blessed to receive an extremely hilarious speech from Chancellor Henry T. Yang. Amongst his timely referen...
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My special interest is my encyclopedic knowledge of the Mario Kart soundtracks

November 6, 2023 by

The Mario Kart soundtrack was introduced to me at the ripe age of 6 years old. As I raced through tracks like Koopa Cape and Moonview Highway, my focus shifted from playing the game to listening to th...
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Storke Tower loses balance, falls over

November 5, 2023 by

With Halloween gloom in the air (or maybe that’s just my seasonal depression beginning again), what better way to fight off the spooky demons like my Week 3 midterm than by dressing up.  Storkie...
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Yikes! Roommate’s dumb bitch costume just your clothes

October 31, 2023 by

Trick or treat! This year’s Halloween costumes have been really unique and well thought out but none quite as much as your roommate, who has been planning for this moment since the moment they met y...
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‘Gauchos DTF?’ How to solicit sex on the class of ‘27 Snapchat story

October 29, 2023 by

As UC Santa Barbara’s coolest and sexiest new students adjust to their college lifestyles, the class of 2027 goes to new lengths in order to find sex without having to look each other in the eyes. I...
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Breaking News: Tour de France rerouted to UCSB bike lanes, all students automatically entered

October 29, 2023 by

Chancellor Henry T. Yang announces the reroute of the Tour de France to the UC Santa Barbara bike lanes and enrolls each student as a racer.
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Timely! Student only has clock app open during lecture

October 13, 2023 by

“Yeah, I usually just have a clock open during class. I don’t really need to take notes on the lecture or anything, I am studying the time. I’ve got to get out of here actually,” said second-y...
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