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The Honeysticks Sweeten Storke Plaza

The Honeysticks recently lit up Storke Plaza with some of their distinctive indie-rock music, playing for over an hour and bringing much-needed good vibes to campus.
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Trump Resigns After A.S. Senate Votes To Impeach

1600 Pennsylvania Ave. –– Shortly after hearing of a unanimous Associated Students Senate vote passing a resolution in support of his own impeachment, President Donald J. Trump immediately announc...
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Oh Goodie! Your Bike Seat is Wet!

U-CEN BIKE RACKS — Returning from a late-night study session, student Joe Schmoe was greeted with the supreme earthly delight of an absolutely sopping wet bicycle seat. This soggy conclusion to his ...
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Report: Roommate Used Goddamn Brita Filter Without Refilling It

  Reports are streaming in that second-year student Ava Turst reportedly used her roommate’s “goddamn” Brita filter without filling it back up afterwards. This allegation falls in the wake ...
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Top 10 Sexiest UC Santa Barbara-Related Costumes

  Sexy Mountain Lion   They say fear and arousal often go hand in hand, so take a page out of Mother Nature’s book and dress up as the newest apex predator to hit the streets of Isla Vista...
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Yang Actually Corporate Shill to Chain-Link Fence Lobby

As Halloween approaches and annual chain-link fences have suddenly sprung up around I.V. like skeletal sheets rising from their graves, a series of recent investigations have revealed Chancellor Yang ...
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Lost Freshman On SBMTD Bus Winds Up in San Bernardino

  Somewhere, Calif. –– In a spectacular yet relatable blunder this weekend, freshman Greg Harrison somehow ended up riding a SBMTD bus over 150 miles to the suburbs of Los Angeles while tryin...
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Second-Year Student Realizing New Apartment a Shithole

  Isla Vista, Calif. — Having recently moved into his (and his eight roommates’) new apartment on the 65 block of Sabado Tarde, second-year student, Jacob Greene, finally got a good, close lo...
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Disney Announces Construction of Space Mountain Roller Coaster Atop Mauna Kea

Following protests over the construction of the Thirty Meter Telescope on the slopes of Mauna Kea in Hawaii, Disney® Resorts has announced construction plans for a new Space Mountain™-themed roller...
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Majority of UCSB Emails Now Phishing Scams

  This just in: UCSB’s automated email-delivery service has recently broken a new record! It has been revealed that — for the first time — phishing scams now make up the majority of the not...
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UCSB Goes D-1 in Gaucho Ball

  First things first: it’s Gaucho Ball, not “Rage Cage” — show some school pride for crying out loud. Second things second: UCSB has officially qualified as Division 1 in our sacred drink...
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Wild West Summer Sessions: Lone Tumbleweed Drifts Through Streets of I.V.

  In a recent report released by whatever lonely researchers are still on campus during summer sessions, it has been revealed that the incidence of lone tumbleweeds drifting through the streets o...
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Storke Speaks Out: Here’s What The Tower Has to Say

The Nexus recently conducted an interview with well-known phallic symbol and campus icon, Storke Tower, in hopes of learning more about the inner machinations of the enigmatic mind of the landmark. Fo...
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Modern-Day Saint Refuses To Leave Any Sneeze in Lecture Hall Unblessed

This Monday, modern-day saint, Benedict Dope Paul II refused to let a single sneeze in his 300-person lecture hall go unblessed. Shocked onlookers witnessed this modern crusader bravely serve his fell...
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Student Preemptively Rolling for Extravaganza

Today, nearly a whole business week before Extravaganza celebrations are due to begin, UCSB student Molly Poppins decided to preemptively get in the spirit of the festival the only way she knows how -...
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