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Lost Freshman On SBMTD Bus Winds Up in San Bernardino

  Somewhere, Calif. –– In a spectacular yet relatable blunder this weekend, freshman Greg Harrison somehow ended up riding a SBMTD bus over 150 miles to the suburbs of Los Angeles while tryin...
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Second-Year Student Realizing New Apartment a Shithole

  Isla Vista, Calif. — Having recently moved into his (and his eight roommates’) new apartment on the 65 block of Sabado Tarde, second-year student, Jacob Greene, finally got a good, close lo...
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Disney Announces Construction of Space Mountain Roller Coaster Atop Mauna Kea

Following protests over the construction of the Thirty Meter Telescope on the slopes of Mauna Kea in Hawaii, Disney® Resorts has announced construction plans for a new Space Mountain™-themed roller...
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Majority of UCSB Emails Now Phishing Scams

  This just in: UCSB’s automated email-delivery service has recently broken a new record! It has been revealed that — for the first time — phishing scams now make up the majority of the not...
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UCSB Goes D-1 in Gaucho Ball

  First things first: it’s Gaucho Ball, not “Rage Cage” — show some school pride for crying out loud. Second things second: UCSB has officially qualified as Division 1 in our sacred drink...
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Wild West Summer Sessions: Lone Tumbleweed Drifts Through Streets of I.V.

  In a recent report released by whatever lonely researchers are still on campus during summer sessions, it has been revealed that the incidence of lone tumbleweeds drifting through the streets o...
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Storke Speaks Out: Here’s What The Tower Has to Say

The Nexus recently conducted an interview with well-known phallic symbol and campus icon, Storke Tower, in hopes of learning more about the inner machinations of the enigmatic mind of the landmark. Fo...
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Modern-Day Saint Refuses To Leave Any Sneeze in Lecture Hall Unblessed

This Monday, modern-day saint, Benedict Dope Paul II refused to let a single sneeze in his 300-person lecture hall go unblessed. Shocked onlookers witnessed this modern crusader bravely serve his fell...
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Student Preemptively Rolling for Extravaganza

Today, nearly a whole business week before Extravaganza celebrations are due to begin, UCSB student Molly Poppins decided to preemptively get in the spirit of the festival the only way she knows how -...
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Panda Express Line Reaches All-Time High, Chaos Ensues

Earlier this week, during the daily lunch-rush feeding frenzy at the University Center’s Panda Express, the wait time for this inauthentic — yet no less delicious — cuisine reached an all-time h...
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UCSB Academic Ranking Plummets as Alumni Return to Campus

It’s almost alumni weekend here at UCSB, and with flocks of former Gauchos returning to campus, the university’s academic ranking is dropping by the second.
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Student Gazes Wistfully Into Eyes of Freshman-Year Gauchospace Profile Picture, Longs for Simpler, More Innocent Times

Recently, Gauchospace released yet another of its periodic site updates — this time including the addition of each user’s student ID photo to its homepage, which students must access in order to v...
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I.V. Foot Patrol Declares Martial Law on Deltopia Weekend

Due to concerns regarding the drunken rowdiness, tomfoolery and other miscellaneous shenaniganz that have come to be associated with Deltopia celebrations, the I.V. Foot Patrol declared martial law in...
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Campus Crisis: Storke Tower Goes Flaccid

Eyewitnesses have reported that Storke Tower, the proud phallic symbol of UC Santa Barbara, has – devastatingly – gone flaccid. The 175-foot-tall tower, which was first erected in front of the Uni...
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Professor Tells Terminally-Ill Student ‘No Make-Ups, Go Fuck Yourself’

This Friday, one professor in the UCSB math department reportedly told a terminally-ill student, Sal Monella, to “get fucked” when said student requested to take a midterm late due to his mortal a...
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