Blogs

April 12, 2019

Senior From Newport Beginning To Feel Crippling Pressure of Deciding Which of Parents’ Friends To Get Job From

By Daniel Carroll

With only months until graduation, fourth-year global studies major Charlie Andrews has reportedly been experiencing a crippling panic of deciding which of his parent’s business mogul friends he should reach out to for...

April 12, 2019

CALPIRG To Shut Doors After 100,000th Signature Saves Bee

By Sam Penn

After many years of Arbor tabling, hard work and general disruption, CALPIRG has announced that they will be shutting down for good after acquiring their 100,000th student signature, enough to finally save a bee.

April 11, 2019

A Cry for Help: This Man Wears Basketball Jerseys as Shirts

By Bianca Bitchandahalf

‘Twas a brave, young fellow indeed who stepped out of his front door onto the streets of Isla Vista last weekend, wiping away tears and wearing a Golden State jersey in place of the usual (and preferred by the public),...

April 11, 2019

UCSB Tour Guide Walks Backward into Hell

By Lucy Fuhr

In a completely unsurprising turn of events, third-year Anita Bath, a member of the Gaucho Tour Association, has reportedly walked backward into Hell. Walking backward, a skill that many tour leaders absolutely suck at, ...

April 8, 2019

I.V. Foot Patrol Declares Martial Law on Deltopia Weekend

By Max Myszkowski

Due to concerns regarding the drunken rowdiness, tomfoolery and other miscellaneous shenaniganz that have come to be associated with Deltopia celebrations, the I.V. Foot Patrol declared martial law in response to Deltopi...

April 8, 2019

Deltopia MIPs Ranked

By Katie Methylenedioxymethamphetamine

Everyone knows that Deltopia is like Christmas for cops, but instead of gifts, they’re giving out Minor In Possession (MIP) tickets. Though most noobs get an MIP for alcohol possession, we here at Nexustentialism encou...

April 8, 2019

Medieval Man Causes Trouble at Deltopia

By L’rd Walt'r

Holla cater-cousins! 'Tis I, L'rd Walt'r de Bolbec, coming to thee liveth from the 68 block of Del Playa f'r an occasion hath called Deltopia! I has't hath heard it is quite valorous excit'ment and yond th're art bountif...

April 5, 2019

Breaking: Deltopia Moved to Fortuna! Rebranded as Fortuna-topia

By Billy McFartland

In an emergency meeting last night, Associated Students declared that Deltopia will be moved to Fortuna Lane in order to avoid the increasing police presence seen over the last couple years.

April 5, 2019

Starbucks Runs Out of Non-Dairy Milk, Chaos Ensues

By Jordan Curiel

Tragedy struck Isla Vista last week, administering a blow to the student population right in the heart of their most coveted and vital survival tool: coffee.

April 4, 2019

Campus Crisis: Storke Tower Goes Flaccid

By Max Myszkowski

Eyewitnesses have reported that Storke Tower, the proud phallic symbol of UC Santa Barbara, has – devastatingly – gone flaccid. The 175-foot-tall tower, which was first erected in front of the University Center in 19...

April 3, 2019

Student Curbs Coke Addiction, Crediting Rush He Gets from Submitting an Assignment 30 Seconds Before Deadline

By Katherine McCabe

Clint used to be the guy that slipped off to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so. Clint’s parents kept asking him where all his money went and why he needed to pick up extra shifts at Albertsons. Clint even sank to the...

April 2, 2019

Student Health Now Fully Staffed by Plague Doctors

By Ariana Marmolejo

In an effort to save money at the direct and immediate expense of student wellbeing, Student Health Services is pleased to announce that they have replaced all physicians and trained medical professionals with plague doc...

April 1, 2019

UCSB Establishes Bike School for Student Bikers Prone to Accidents

By Emma Demorest

An influx of horrific bike accidents (in which many took to Free & For Sale to voice their grievances and describe the gory details of their injuries) has prompted local UCPD to implement the W.E.A.K. program, Wheels for...

March 29, 2019

Sorority Girls Exclusively Comment “Mom and Dad” on Pictures of Unstable Relationships Only

By Tess Karls

We all know that one couple that’s consistently off and on. The guy frequently likes other girls’ pictures on Instagram and the girl keeps getting fucking pissed.

March 29, 2019

Chad Simpleton’s Isla Vista Restaurants Review

By Chad Simpleton

Food, we all need it. Restaurants, we’ve all been to them. IV, definitely has ‘em. This cesspool of debauchery and dank memes is full of the best fucking foods to cure everything from a hangover to heartbreak upon re...

March 13, 2019

Breaking: Literally Nobody Tried To Bribe Their Way Into UCSB

By Hannah Jackson

In a shocking scandal, it was revealed that the United States Department of Justice has charged 50 people in six states for paying bribes for entry into elite universities. These bribes helped otherwise unqualified child...