Blogs

May 1, 2019

Alumna Finally Shoots Her Shot With Cutie From the Fourth Floor

By Maddie Smith

This alumni weekend was said to cause nostalgia in old Gauchos who came back for one last hurrah. So much nostalgia, in fact, that multiple alumni were seen trying to rekindle romances with their drunken hookups and thei...

May 1, 2019

Stagecoach Takes All the Racism Away from I.V. for the Weekend

By Raffi Torres

This weekend, in unprecedented fashion, Isla Vista witnessed an absolute first that shocked the local authorities. What was that first? Isla Vista experienced no racist incidents for the first time since March 1987.

April 30, 2019

Alumnus Visits His Former I.V. House, Forces Current Residents on a Trip Down Memory Lane

By Chad Wilson

Alumni weekend provides former Gauchos a chance to escape the grueling reality of adulthood by letting them roam around their old stomping grounds to relive the peak of their existence. Between awkward appearances at par...

April 29, 2019

Friendship Manor Planning Rush Events for Alumni Weekend

By Betty Cocker

In eager anticipation for the 2019 UC Santa Barbara Alumni Weekend, Isla Vista’s own retirement home, Friendship Manor, is planning a spring rush in the hopes of gaining pledges in the form of UCSB's former frat stars.

April 26, 2019

Surprise, Bitch! Bet You Thought You’d Seen the Last of Me: By the UCen Bird

By UCen Bird

A lot can change in a year. Students come and go, relationships will form and crumble and people keep deciding to switch majors. However, some things will never change.

April 26, 2019

UCSB Academic Ranking Plummets as Alumni Return to Campus

By Max Myszkowski

It’s almost alumni weekend here at UCSB, and with flocks of former Gauchos returning to campus, the university’s academic ranking is dropping by the second.

April 24, 2019

UCSB Wifi Goes Down On You, But Your UCSB Man Still Won’t

By Connie Lingus

At approximately 1:17 pm, it was reported that the entire UCSB campus network went down, but your boyfriend still won’t. In fact, the UCSB wifi goes down on you all the time, but can you remember the last time your boy...

April 24, 2019

Campus-wide WiFi Outage Reduces Number of A.S. Election Voters From 1 to 0

By Digby Cullen

UC SANTA BARBARA - At approximately 1:17 p.m. this Wednesday, the UCSB campus network went down. This resulted in the loss of internet access across the entire campus in addition to the loss of access to Gauchospace, G.O...

April 24, 2019

Young Woman Rolls Three Days in a Row at Coachella, Becomes Mental Health Advocate

By Ryan Milton

As the second weekend of the famous music festival Coachella came to a close this Sunday, many Gauchos returned to Isla Vista with great memories, debt and hangovers. Not wanting to ever forget their amazing weekend fill...

April 22, 2019

Student Gazes Wistfully Into Eyes of Freshman-Year Gauchospace Profile Picture, Longs for Simpler, More Innocent Times

By Max Myszkowski

Recently, Gauchospace released yet another of its periodic site updates — this time including the addition of each user’s student ID photo to its homepage, which students must access in order to view information abou...

April 19, 2019

Short Kings Lament: Tall White Man Stealing All the Girls

By Raffi Torres

In 2018, “Florida Man” became a natural phenomenon in pop culture. While not honing in on one specific individual, the term “Florida Man” has been used to encompass the community of strange individuals behind the...

April 18, 2019

Climate Change Motivates Real Estate Investor To Buy Trigo Houses

By Katherine McCabe

The entirety of the houses on Trigo Road have been purchased by a local investor, who claims that rising sea levels will turn Trigo into “the new DP.”

April 18, 2019

Jesus Endorses Nexustentialism

By Nexustentialism Staff

Jesus has officially endorsed Nexustentialism! Watch this to learn more about what Christ and the angels think of the best satire section on Earth (and heaven).

April 17, 2019

Gaucho Grad Guide: Great Career Paths for Theater Majors!

By Ollie Tabooger

Hey, Gauchos! We know graduation is just around the corner, and with that energy on the horizon, we at Nexustentialism would love to provide some insight into post-grad options for both graduating seniors as well as fres...

April 16, 2019

Young-Looking Second Year Attends Spring Insight in Quest for Free Shit

By J. Matteo Wharton

In an attempt to squeeze every dollar and cent out of her tuition, second-year Penney Pinscher has taken to the sidewalks of UCSB this last weekend looking to pull a fast one on those tabling for clubs and various school...