Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Can We Shut the Fuck Up About Jack Johnson Already?

February 15, 2024 by

Did you know that Jack Johnson went to UC Santa Barbara? Yes. Yes I did. So shut the fuck up about it.
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Impromptu valentine? This gal’s Tinder match is shitting next to her in the gender neutral bathroom

February 14, 2024 by

As she released her own effortless concerto of garlic parmesan, it undeniably made a sweet, sweet melody with the aggression beside her.
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Rizz tips?: Guy I asked out on sunset walk pushes me off the sea bluff

February 14, 2024 by

He kept yelling “WHO ARE YOU” and “WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME” when I knew inside that I was his one true love.
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Sad! Shit boyfriend only anti-capitalist during Valentine’s Day

February 8, 2024 by

In a discussion with his girlfriend, Whole shared that he refused to celebrate the holiday in any capacity due to its sickening association with all things capitalist and corporate. 
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No partner? No problem! Print a plastic peen!

February 8, 2024 by

All students would be given the opportunity to print two false flesh flutes for the price of one.
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Liberal? You mean Lib Earl?

February 1, 2024 by

You can always see lib Earl in the same spot on the fourth floor, the personable man that he is, studying away to the both neutral and unassuming beats of Lofi Girl.
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Help! Your golden retriever boyfriend won’t stop humping my leg

February 1, 2024 by

“No! Get down! Your goddamn boyfriend won’t stop humping my leg!!!!” 
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Local woman hyped for Valentine’s Day card haul from dentist, Victoria’s Secret

January 25, 2024 by

“Contrary to popular belief, I actually receive much correspondence from a variety of suitors,” McKinsey purrs contentedly.
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Five nights at FT: Avoiding the RA’s when I’m blackout drunk

January 25, 2024 by

The mere two times a week that I inflict a near-death experience upon myself with Tito’s mixed with stolen DLG cranberry cocktail, how are the RAs suddenly there?
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LovedIn: how to find romance on networking websites

January 19, 2024 by

Gauchos, it’s time to get professional. It’s time to connect. It’s time to slide into those LinkedIn DMs.
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Freshman Stanley Cup filled with milk

January 18, 2024 by

Some say they can still see the outline of the milky edge burned into the floor where the incident occurred...
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Dad juked in UCen after getting into speedwalker’s way

November 29, 2023 by

Visiting father Ken Williams, father of Elise Williams, fell victim to UC Santa Barbara’s epidemic of aggressive speedwalkers during this past Parents & Family Weekend. What was supposed to be a fu...
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Top 10 topics to turn the table at Thanksgiving

November 29, 2023 by

We get it, Thanksgiving is a hard time for everyone. You have to go home, eat an overhyped yet terrible-tasting bird and, if that wasn’t enough, your slightly problematic relatives are there to cele...
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“We have the right of way:” Local bikers continue to cut off ambulances

November 28, 2023 by

The Santa Barbara County Emergency Medical Services has recently issued a public service announcement stating that bikers must comply with regulations regarding emergency vehicles. 
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White friend shows up to DP party at 8:30 p.m.

November 28, 2023 by

Your Friday started off mostly normal — just the end of another slow dredge through the week culminating in plans to finally go out with your friend Friday night. But you were confused when he (with...
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