Nexustentialism
It's satire, stupid.
Have you given your Black friends $5 for Black History Month yet? If not, you are FAR behind schedule and third year Morris Martin is not afraid to let it be known.
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As we approach midterms, the upcoming election, and bikini season, your head may be riddled with anxiety, feminism, and other nasty ideas. Check out campus’ newest resource to ease yourself of these...
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“The rituals that DAD was making their pledges do were straight up inhumane and physically impossible for many of them.”
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Have you ever even seen a roundabout that was made for walking? That’s because they don’t exist.
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Imagine instead of the San Francisco 49ers it was the San Francisco 420ers. That would be crazy.
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Did you know that Jack Johnson went to UC Santa Barbara? Yes. Yes I did. So shut the fuck up about it.
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As she released her own effortless concerto of garlic parmesan, it undeniably made a sweet, sweet melody with the aggression beside her.
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He kept yelling “WHO ARE YOU” and “WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME” when I knew inside that I was his one true love.
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In a discussion with his girlfriend, Whole shared that he refused to celebrate the holiday in any capacity due to its sickening association with all things capitalist and corporate.
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All students would be given the opportunity to print two false flesh flutes for the price of one.
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You can always see lib Earl in the same spot on the fourth floor, the personable man that he is, studying away to the both neutral and unassuming beats of Lofi Girl.
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“No! Get down! Your goddamn boyfriend won’t stop humping my leg!!!!”
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“Contrary to popular belief, I actually receive much correspondence from a variety of suitors,” McKinsey purrs contentedly.
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The mere two times a week that I inflict a near-death experience upon myself with Tito’s mixed with stolen DLG cranberry cocktail, how are the RAs suddenly there?
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Gauchos, it’s time to get professional. It’s time to connect. It’s time to slide into those LinkedIn DMs.
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Ride through the bike path without crashing
Find a seat at the red couches on the second floor of the library
Sunrise and sunset dip on the same day
Find parking on Del Playa Drive
Drunk for 24 hours
Bagel crawl
First pick at an Arbor muffin in the morning
Participate in a mosh pit at a band show
Finally talk to their class crush
Get an earlier pass time than their friends in GOLD
Graduate
Successfully walk through I.V. without seeing an old hookup
