Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

LovedIn: how to find romance on networking websites

January 19, 2024 by Joseph R. Biden

Gauchos, it’s time to get professional. It’s time to connect. It’s time to slide into those LinkedIn DMs.
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Freshman Stanley Cup filled with milk

January 18, 2024 by Meel F. Lover

Some say they can still see the outline of the milky edge burned into the floor where the incident occurred...
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Dad juked in UCen after getting into speedwalker’s way

November 29, 2023 by Chase N. Status

Visiting father Ken Williams, father of Elise Williams, fell victim to UC Santa Barbara’s epidemic of aggressive speedwalkers during this past Parents & Family Weekend. What was supposed to be a fu...
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“We have the right of way:” Local bikers continue to cut off ambulances

November 28, 2023 by Ali Shahid

The Santa Barbara County Emergency Medical Services has recently issued a public service announcement stating that bikers must comply with regulations regarding emergency vehicles.
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White friend shows up to DP party at 8:30 p.m.

November 28, 2023 by Jane Error

Your Friday started off mostly normal — just the end of another slow dredge through the week culminating in plans to finally go out with your friend Friday night. But you were confused when he (with...
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Call to action: We need to keep talking about Barbenheimer

November 6, 2023 by Joseph R. Biden

As UC Santa Barbara’s class of 2027 sat for their convocation ceremony in Week 0, they were blessed to receive an extremely hilarious speech from Chancellor Henry T. Yang. Amongst his timely referen...
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My special interest is my encyclopedic knowledge of the Mario Kart soundtracks

November 6, 2023 by Nate Dolan

The Mario Kart soundtrack was introduced to me at the ripe age of 6 years old. As I raced through tracks like Koopa Cape and Moonview Highway, my focus shifted from playing the game to listening to th...
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Storke Tower loses balance, falls over

November 5, 2023 by Jane Error

With Halloween gloom in the air (or maybe that’s just my seasonal depression beginning again), what better way to fight off the spooky demons like my Week 3 midterm than by dressing up. Storkie...
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Yikes! Roommate’s dumb bitch costume just your clothes

October 31, 2023 by Fart Tent

Trick or treat! This year’s Halloween costumes have been really unique and well thought out but none quite as much as your roommate, who has been planning for this moment since the moment they met y...
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‘Gauchos DTF?’ How to solicit sex on the class of ‘27 Snapchat story

October 29, 2023 by Joseph R. Biden

As UC Santa Barbara’s coolest and sexiest new students adjust to their college lifestyles, the class of 2027 goes to new lengths in order to find sex without having to look each other in the eyes. I...
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Breaking News: Tour de France rerouted to UCSB bike lanes, all students automatically entered

October 29, 2023 by Binzy Eggbag

Chancellor Henry T. Yang announces the reroute of the Tour de France to the UC Santa Barbara bike lanes and enrolls each student as a racer.
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Timely! Student only has clock app open during lecture

October 13, 2023 by Faith Talamantez

“Yeah, I usually just have a clock open during class. I don’t really need to take notes on the lecture or anything, I am studying the time. I’ve got to get out of here actually,” said second-y...
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Local senior burned out from iClicker attendance quiz

October 13, 2023 by Miss Informed

After three long years of slaving away (looking on Quizlet) and breaking our backs (using ChatGPT) for our degrees, I can confidently speak for all seniors when I say: We are tired.
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Hispanic serving! Student serving cunt everyday of Hispanic Heritage Month

October 12, 2023 by Faith Talamantez

iOlé, Gauchos! UC Santa Barbara, despite its vaguely racist mascot while being a Hispanic Serving Institution, has long been known for having a large population of Latinx students, making Hispanic He...
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