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Accept This and Shove It!

September 28, 2006 by

Dear Board of Admissions, In an effort to make my "personal statement" more personal than just another mundane, self-praising recitation of high school accomplishments and false aspirations, I have c...
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Dear Sir/Madam who stole my bicycle,

September 28, 2006 by

You may open this letter thinking it carries burning malice. Nothing could be further from the truth.
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America, Home of the Ignorant and Immoral

September 28, 2006 by

Appreciate America? ("Please, Love America!" Daily Nexus, Sept. 21) Do I appreciate a country that inculcates in my mind that Paris Hilton is more relevant to my life than Hermann Hesse?
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UCSB Conspires With Landlords to Evict Locals

September 28, 2006 by

Greetings, returning and new UCSB students. I write to inform or remind you that Isla Vista is both a "college town" and a "coastal community." In fact, it started as a coastal community before UCSB w...
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Why Color Me Suprised

September 24, 2006 by

Why color me suprised. A color front page?
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Exit Exam Prevents Future Failure

September 24, 2006 by

Every year, several seniors awaiting their high school diploma must devote three hours of their summer to prove minimal competence in math and language. However, in light of California's abominable ed...
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Please, Love America!

September 24, 2006 by

Welcome to America, circa 2006. "Men" now wear girl pants and perfume. Paris Hilton is considered a national treasure for her brilliant work in ... House of Wax? Activists are still chanting "Bush lie...
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Babies of the

September 24, 2006 by

Pasty, hairy thighs - a nauseating concoction that should never have to be imagined, let alone witnessed. Unfortunately, pasty, hairy thighs are appearing in waves at our beaches and pools, tarnishing...
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Article on Dorm Downloads Is Irresponsible

September 24, 2006 by

As the manager of Residential Network Services here at UCSB, I am responsible for the ResNet service.
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Dude, What Are You On?

September 24, 2006 by

In all irony, I never knew my best friend until this summer.
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Beware of Sketchy Roommates

September 24, 2006 by

Now that you're all settled in, what do you think of your new roommate - roommates for the unlucky triples? He seems cool, right? Doesn't get in your face, has good hygiene, and seems to share some of...
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Weather

August 30, 2006 by

YAAAWN *Smacks Lips* What the? Who the hell are you?
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Welcome to UCSB! Now How About Writing Us An Opinion Column, Smarty-Pants?

August 30, 2006 by

We need to have a serious talk, and no, it can't wait until after you're done reading the sex column in the bathroom. So, please, put that thing away.
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He Said, She Said: Car Vs. No Car

August 30, 2006 by

It's likely that incoming freshmen reading this have many questions about UCSB. How do I get to my classes? Will I get laid on the first night? Should I bring my car to school?
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He Said, She Said: Car Vs. No Car

August 30, 2006 by

Sit down, my child. It's time we had a talk about your popularity.
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