Pasty, hairy thighs – a nauseating concoction that should never have to be imagined, let alone witnessed. Unfortunately, pasty, hairy thighs are appearing in waves at our beaches and pools, tarnishing Southern California’s reputation as a place to relax and enjoy oneself.

It all started when I went to the beach the other day on my day off from work. Eager to finally get some sun, I picked out a nice spot and laid down. Suddenly, I realized I was sitting behind some moron who was strolling around, showing off far too much in a bathing suit that could have been made in 1982. I thought it was a joke, until I kept seeing the same short bathing suits on different guys. They all had incredibly bright colors with ridiculous patterns. These ghastly bathing suits are the latest fashion trend from the past to maliciously invade our world – the world of the Recycled Generation.

Now, I understand that at first glance, one might construe the word “recycled” to mean that we are an unoriginal and dull generation. This interpretation is wrong on many levels. I chose the word recycled to glorify our collective ability to steal all the greatness of the past, while making everything seem like our own. It is really nothing to be ashamed of.

Proof of our recycled nature can be seen practically anywhere. The music we listen to, when it is not from the ’60s or ’70s, probably sounds like it should be. If not, then it is most likely from a succeeding decade. Our wardrobes and style are variable, yet entirely made up of older fads and trends. Whether we sport tight jeans, wear Converse sneakers and grow out our hair like Joey Ramone, or just piece together whatever crap is lying in our closet like Janis Joplin, we are always looking to the past for inspiration.

We watch movies and see pictures of how people like James Dean or Jimmy Page dressed decades ago and try to be like them. If their style does not fit our taste, we pick some other person from some other facet of history and do our best to impersonate him or her. The brilliant part though, is how we add one or two new things so that we feel like we have created our own style, when really we are just recycling from the past.

It should be noted that we are not the first people to do this sort of thing. There were the blues revivalists in the ’60s and ’70s as well as the revival of the greaser scene in the ’80s. These guys, however, were not nearly as mainstream. As a whole, our generation is the first to actively recycle from the past. Retail storeowners figured this out when they came up with ingenious idea of selling old looking clothes that in their own time were dirt cheap for obnoxiously expensive prices. In an attempt to stay original, we ran out to these places to buy $45 T-shirts that have illegible words written on them, because it looked like something someone wore in that album cover someone once saw.

While many will probably take offense to being named the Recycled Generation, I choose to celebrate our shrewd ability as a people to welcome the brilliance of the past in an attempt to better our present day lifestyle. As for the hairy, pasty thighs, that sort of thing should remain in the trash.

Daily Nexus columnist Adam Wenger has nightmares about Jimmy Page wearing a short bathing suit on his next album cover in order to connect with the recycled generation.