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Welcome to the Machine

May 18, 2006 by

Remember back in the day when only the who’s who had cell phones? Now if one cannot get a hold of another’s cell, their lives are in disarray. The ‘human was befuddled when two ̵...
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Sex Dolls End Humanity

May 18, 2006 by Nick Pasto

I don't know what killed off the dinosaurs. Maybe it was an asteroid. Maybe it was disease. Maybe it was a combination of Pop Rocks and Coca-Cola. I'll probably never know for sure, but I do think I'v...
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Hey, Readers, Take a Look, It’s in a Book

May 18, 2006 by

Books: What are books but odd bricks of paper we are supposed to read in order to pass our exams? A pile of books brings the top-shelf liquor into reach. They provide a quick scrap of paper to jot dow...
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Strange Days

May 17, 2006 by

The ‘human decided that it was tired of being dark and gloomy and allowed the sun to shine for a short while today. Wednesday’s forecast: Despite the pleasant sun, unfortunately, the weath...
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Orgasm Simultaneously

May 17, 2006 by Nina Anthony

dmittedly, I've never been a great one with numbers, but there is one number I believe everyone should be readily and happily familiar with: the infamous 69. I know there are some of you out there who...
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Bring Out Your Inner Elephant By Tanning

May 17, 2006 by

I did it. I took everything I stand for as a human being and threw it out the window. What made me digress to such drastic measures? Nothing more than a simple glance at my calendar: T-minus 14 days u...
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UCSB Should Punish Serious Crimes Committed in IV

May 17, 2006 by

The topic about UCSB officials cracking down on students for off-campus offenses was not handled quite right in Monday's editorial "Hey Teachers, Leave Us Adults Alone" (Daily Nexus, May 15). I would ...
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Steer Clear of Scammers

May 16, 2006 by Mark Signa

Knock, knock. Who's there? Steve. Steve who? Steve, some random guy who is traveling across the country with 10 other people, going door to door asking you to give him money or a check with your pers...
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Tequila Sunrise

May 16, 2006 by

The ‘human was pleasantly surprised this morning when it read that the store at Buchanan now sells tequila and 30-packs. Much to the ‘human’s chagrin, the whiteboard was wrong. Poor ...
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Cookiewich Craze Finally Reaches IV

May 16, 2006 by

There's a new craze sweeping Isla Vista. In case you haven't heard, the cookiewich from I.V. Drip is the hottest thing since alcohol getting you drunk. The cookiewich is exactly what it sounds like: a...
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Honor the Most Important Man in IV: the Beer Vendor

May 16, 2006 by

There is always one man that, no matter how sad or tired or depressed you are, can make you smile and ride off with feelings of inspiration, encouragement and joy. That man is the beer vendor. To be h...
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Hey Teachers, Leave Us Adults Alone

May 15, 2006 by

The university administration has decided to treat its students like children. Over the next few months, UCSB officials will discuss whether the university will punish students for alcohol, drug and a...
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Silly Weather

May 15, 2006 by

The ‘human will be the first to admit that the weather has kinda sucked this quarter. Monday’s forecast: Still pissed about overcast skies and this subpar box? Blame the Nexus for all thes...
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Impeachment Effort Fails to Grasp the Constitution

May 15, 2006 by Joshua A. Rodine

Jake Thorn needs to step back, take a breath and reflect a little more critically on this impeachment he's proposing ("Support Bush's Impeachment," Daily Nexus, May 12). First, let's put all our cards...
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El Taco ‘Humigo

May 12, 2006 by

Rest in peace, El Taco Amigo. Your all-day happy hour made those morning classes so much more bearable. The ‘human shall miss thee. Friday’s forecast: The ‘human realizes El Taco Ami...
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