I use Yahoo! for my e-mail, which means messages that are identified by the system as “spam” are automatically ignored and placed into a bulk e-mail folder. I had assumed that this folder was full of useless scam e-mails designed to pry away my precious dollars on the false promise of things like additional penis girth and free iPods. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

The bulk e-mail folder is loaded with incredible savings and once-in-a-lifetime offers. Did you know that you can get a bachelor’s degree in 13 months? I’d been a bachelor for 22 years and I didn’t have a single degree until I finally stumbled across a bulk e-mail offer that allowed me to purchase a Ph.D./B.A. combo pack from Harvard for the outrageously low price of $19.99. People really shouldn’t complain about the high cost of college education. I got two diplomas for less than twenty bucks. They even came with a free Flowbee (a $39.99 value).

My Harvard degrees have added newfound depth to my intellect. My brain is like a dictionary these days. That’s why I was a bit puzzled when I caught my first glimpse of USCB’s newly renovated Arbor. According to the dictionary in my head, an arbor is a shady resting place in a garden. According to my latest trip to UCSB, the Arbor is a place where you can buy coffee, pizza and a mediocre sandwich.

I don’t quite know what to think of the new Arbor. It doesn’t fit the dictionary definition, but it does have its merits. I appreciate the increased availability of pizza and magazines. I’m not the world’s biggest SUBWAY fan, but I can’t deny having the occasional urge to purchase a dissatisfying sandwich sparsely packed with amazingly thin slices of processed “turkey.” Nevertheless, I think we could have made this new Arbor a little more exciting and useful.

I was thinking it might be sort of cool if UCSB began importing factory workers and storing them in cages in the Arbor. The idea is this: The school would train them in a variety of academic subjects and then allow us to rent the scholastic slaves for a small fee. When midterms arrive, you simply insert your quarters into the vending machine, retrieve your laborer and force it to take your tests.

Then, when the work is finally done, return the laborer to its cage and watch as your GPA rises. Don’t worry about silly ethical concerns. After all, factory workers aren’t humans. They’re human resources. And besides, they’d much rather be learning about Air Force One than sewing a pair of air force ones.

Perhaps the whole Rent-A-Worker idea seems a bit crude to you. Fair enough. But don’t think that all of my suggestions for the Arbor are equally abhorrent. I’m actually a very sweet and tender guy, which is why I suggest adding a Build-A-Bear Workshop to the Arbor.

The idea is this: You purchase a baby grizzly bear and nurture it from infancy. Once the bear reaches adulthood, you release it in the UCen and watch as carnage ensues. This idea might also be slightly inhumane and unethical, but the bear rampages would be moderately entertaining and the bear training process would probably be good for a unit or two of school credits (wildlife biology?).

Some of you are probably smart enough to know that wild animal carnage went out of style when the barbarians sacked Rome and wrecked the Coliseum. In that case, you’re probably also smart enough to know that not everything Roman is out of style. In fact, I’d like to formally suggest adding a Roman-style bathhouse to the new Arbor. Students would be able to congregate in the bathhouse and engage in heated social exchange while worshiping Bacchus. This would increase student body togetherness and expedite the spread of disease. Sounds like a winner to me.

I’m confident that my suggestions would provide great benefits to UCSB students, but maybe you disagree with my ideas and think that the new Arbor is perfect just the way it is. Maybe you’re right.

Then again, what do you know? You didn’t go to Harvard.

Daily Nexus columnist Nick Pasto majored in cage dancing at Harvard.