The Sheep Goes Home
By my calculations, I've written something like 25 columns for this newspaper over the course of the past school year. I figure it takes the average reader about five minutes to read one of my columns...
read more
By my calculations, I've written something like 25 columns for this newspaper over the course of the past school year. I figure it takes the average reader about five minutes to read one of my columns...
read more
I don't know what killed off the dinosaurs. Maybe it was an asteroid. Maybe it was disease. Maybe it was a combination of Pop Rocks and Coca-Cola. I'll probably never know for sure, but I do think I'v...
read more
Have you ever seen "The Island of Dr. Moreau"? It's probably my favorite movie of all time. In case you missed it, I'll briefly summarize the plot: A nefarious mad scientist played by an over-the-hill...
read more
Last week I asked curious UCSB students to send me their "Dear Abby" style questions via e-mail. The response was absolutely staggering.
read more
Carrot Top is officially on my shit list. Back in early November, I decided to contact Mr. Top and request an interview. I was optimistic that the redheaded clown would accept my offer. Dreams of the ...
read more
It recently dawned on me that in the future, intellectuals will study Hollywood movies in the same way that they study old literature.
read more
A friend of mine recently pointed out that the vast majority of my Nexus articles contain alarming amounts of pessimism, perversion and comic violence. I promptly kicked him in the dingleberries and i...
read more
You can often find some pretty odd classes if you browse through UCSB's course catalog. This quarter is no exception. The esteemed Dept. of Speech and Hearing Sciences is offering a class called Intro...
read more
MTV kicks ass. It's like one big, blinged-out commercial. When the station isn't busy touting its own products or cross-promoting other Viacom endeavors, it's bombarding our youth with informative mus...
read more
I've been going to school for about 18 years. You don't last 18 years in the cruel world of academia without learning some serious tricks of the student trade. One of my favorite high school technique...
read more
Rome wasn't built in a day. Neither was the Hairbrain Scheme. Each member of this Santa Barbara quartet was carefully constructed over the course of approximately nine months inside his mother's womb....
read more
My garbage man hates me. He never actually tells me this, but I can see it in his eyes each week as I stumble outside in a tired daze and sluggishly move my car so that he can access our dumpster. I t...
read more
Cupid shot me with an arrow last night. It was a poisonous arrow, meaning it filled my head with visions of the 1980s hair band Poison. Whenever I close my eyes, I see bad blonde perms and hordes of s...
read more
Would you call me a creep if I told you that I keep my leftover semen in jars in my refrigerator? You would? Well, don't worry, I don't actually keep my sperm in the refrigerator. I keep it in the fre...
read more
I like to make excuses when confronted with annoying questions relating to various responsibilities that I've neglected. "Nick, why didn't you turn in the homework assignment?" Because my dog ate my h...
read more