Nick Pasto

May 26, 2006

The Sheep Goes Home

By Nick Pasto

By my calculations, I've written something like 25 columns for this newspaper over the course of the past school year. I figure it takes the average reader about five minutes to read one of my columns.

May 18, 2006

Sex Dolls End Humanity

By Nick Pasto

I don't know what killed off the dinosaurs. Maybe it was an asteroid. Maybe it was disease. Maybe it was a combination of Pop Rocks and Coca-Cola. I'll probably never know for sure, but I do think I've managed to figure ...

May 11, 2006

Let Your Apathy Reign

By Nick Pasto

Have you ever seen "The Island of Dr. Moreau"? It's probably my favorite movie of all time. In case you missed it, I'll briefly summarize the plot: A nefarious mad scientist played by an over-the-hill Marlon Brando begin...

May 4, 2006

Apaches Are Not the Answer

By Nick Pasto

Last week I asked curious UCSB students to send me their "Dear Abby" style questions via e-mail. The response was absolutely staggering.

April 28, 2006

Give Your Worst, I Offer Advice

By Nick Pasto

Carrot Top is officially on my shit list. Back in early November, I decided to contact Mr. Top and request an interview. I was optimistic that the redheaded clown would accept my offer. Dreams of the dream interview ran ...

April 24, 2006

Pop Culture May Influence Future

By Nick Pasto

It recently dawned on me that in the future, intellectuals will study Hollywood movies in the same way that they study old literature.

April 13, 2006

Serve Poetry Justice

By Nick Pasto

A friend of mine recently pointed out that the vast majority of my Nexus articles contain alarming amounts of pessimism, perversion and comic violence. I promptly kicked him in the dingleberries and informed him that his...

April 6, 2006

Wisely Consider Your Concentration

By Nick Pasto

You can often find some pretty odd classes if you browse through UCSB's course catalog. This quarter is no exception. The esteemed Dept. of Speech and Hearing Sciences is offering a class called Introduction to Stutterin...

March 9, 2006

Public Opinion Pulls American Government Down the Drain

By Nick Pasto

MTV kicks ass. It's like one big, blinged-out commercial. When the station isn't busy touting its own products or cross-promoting other Viacom endeavors, it's bombarding our youth with informative music videos designed t...

February 23, 2006

Curb the Binge-Purge Cycle

By Nick Pasto

I've been going to school for about 18 years. You don't last 18 years in the cruel world of academia without learning some serious tricks of the student trade. One of my favorite high school techniques was to stare inten...

February 23, 2006

Artist in Profile: A Portrait of the Hairbrain Scheme as Young Men

By Nick Pasto

Rome wasn't built in a day. Neither was the Hairbrain Scheme. Each member of this Santa Barbara quartet was carefully constructed over the course of approximately nine months inside his mother's womb. I've been told that...

February 16, 2006

Here’s To You, Mr. Garbage Man

By Nick Pasto

My garbage man hates me. He never actually tells me this, but I can see it in his eyes each week as I stumble outside in a tired daze and sluggishly move my car so that he can access our dumpster. I think he enjoys givin...

February 9, 2006

If You Can

By Nick Pasto

Cupid shot me with an arrow last night. It was a poisonous arrow, meaning it filled my head with visions of the 1980s hair band Poison. Whenever I close my eyes, I see bad blonde perms and hordes of stonewashed jeans.

February 2, 2006

Frozen Gamete Gamble

By Nick Pasto

Would you call me a creep if I told you that I keep my leftover semen in jars in my refrigerator? You would? Well, don't worry, I don't actually keep my sperm in the refrigerator. I keep it in the freezer.

February 1, 2006

How to Elevate Simple Excuses to Extraordinary Excuses

By Nick Pasto

I like to make excuses when confronted with annoying questions relating to various responsibilities that I've neglected. "Nick, why didn't you turn in the homework assignment?" Because my dog ate my homework, I took my d...

January 19, 2006

Early Checkout Is Better than Burnout

By Nick Pasto

A motivational speaker once told me that it's important to set goals if you hope to accomplish anything in life. He then asked me if I had set any goals for myself. I told him that my life's ambition was to light myself ...