Last week I asked curious UCSB students to send me their “Dear Abby” style questions via e-mail. The response was absolutely staggering. I received seventy-eight e-mails, with questions ranging from “Why are you such a jackass?” to “I’m pretty sure there’s an angry Apache warrior living in my rectum. Which government agency should I call for help?”
I don’t have enough space to answer all of your questions, but I can tell you that the best way to remove an Apache warrior from your bowels is to ingest large amounts of Ex-Lax. This will result in a very painful and bloody session of poopery. It will be sort of like having a baby, except instead of giving birth to a small child, you’ll give birth to an angry Apache warrior who threatens to scalp you and your family as payback for eradicating his race and stealing his homeland.
On with the questions:
I saw cops on horseback during Isla Vista’s Halloween festivities. Does the I.V. Foot Patrol have a horse-mounted unit? – Confused Criminal
Nope. The IVFP used to have a successful mounted unit, but the rising cost of horse maintenance forced them to abandon the program in favor of an experimental “cops riding on the back of golden retrievers” unit. This experiment was a dismal failure. The IVFP no longer employs the services of animals, although its officers are still sensitive about being called pigs.
Last year I met an amazing woman at a company barbecue. We started dating right away and quickly became inseparable. She has uplifted my life and shown me feelings that I never knew I had. My friends all say we’re madly in love, and they’re absolutely right. I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl. The only problem is, we’ve only known each other for eight months and I think it might be a little bit early to propose. What do you think? – Mad Lee N. Love
This girl is bad news. Forget that nonsense about showing you feelings that you never knew you had. She’s turning you into a delusional pansy. My advice is to slowly phase her out your life. Stop answering her phone calls. Change your address. Sleep with her best friends. Kick her grandmother.
My neighbors are always keeping me up at night with their loud music and obnoxious parties. I don’t want to be a jerk about the situation, but I really can’t function in this environment. What should I do? – Annoyed and Tired
Buy a set of earmuffs. In addition to protecting your ears from harmful sound waves, earmuffs will also reflect your keen fashion sense and show other people that you’re “down with it.”
Why does the UCSB lagoon smell so bad? – Pepe le Puke
I don’t know, but it probably has something to do with farts.
My boyfriend is an unresponsive asshole. Instead of staying home with me on weekends, he goes out drinking with his buddies from the lacrosse team. He ignores my phone calls and flirts with other girls. I love him, but I hate the pain he causes me. Please help! – Neglected Nymph
Your boyfriend doesn’t respect you. Here’s what you should do: Pace outside the Study Hall while you argue loudly with your boyfriend on the phone for approximately 20 minutes. This won’t do anything to cure your relationship woes, but it will provide good writing material for the Daily Nexus columnist who overhears your childish tirade while browsing Emerald Video in search of “Dude, Where’s My Car?”
That about wraps it up. Thanks again for the e-mails. If your question went unanswered, you can try me again at email@example.com and I might answer them in a future column. Next week, we will return to our regularly scheduled programming.
Daily Nexus columnist Nick Pasto also received several erotic photos, some including sheep, others featuring electrical outlets.