Cupid shot me with an arrow last night. It was a poisonous arrow, meaning it filled my head with visions of the 1980s hair band Poison. Whenever I close my eyes, I see bad blonde perms and hordes of stonewashed jeans. This condition would probably be appealing to a 40-year-old burnout yearning for her long lost days as a 20-year-old Ratt groupie, but it’s driving me crazy. I’m pretty pissed off and it’s all Cupid’s fault.
Most people like Cupid. He’s cute. He’s a baby. He’s a cute baby. That’s a pretty enticing combo, but don’t let this deceptive image fool you. The real Cupid is a wicked sonofabitch. We all know about his intoxicating arrows and his lovely little diaper, but few people are aware of his heavy drinking, his tendency toward domestic violence or his propensity to thieve unlocked automobiles. I’m telling you right now that Cupid is a troublemaker. He’s a menace to society and he must be stopped. Allow me to explain.
I recently realized that all holidays were created by Hallmark. This may sound a bit absurd, but it makes a lot of sense. For the past few centuries, druids from the secret Hallmark cloak and dagger society have been creating new holidays so that their card company can make fat bundles of cash by selling stupid cards with images of dogs in party hats on the front. This plan is working. We have more holidays than you can shake a stick at. Need a card for Christmas? Boxing Day? Festivus? Name a holiday and Hallmark probably has an unfunny card for it.
This mass production of cards wouldn’t be such a big problem if those Hallmark druids weren’t so ambitious, but we’re beginning to have more free days than we can handle. If we continue to add a few national holidays each century, then we’ll run out of weekdays sometime around the year 17468. By then, every single day of the year will be a national holiday. No one will be able work because they’ll be forced to celebrate constantly. People will exist in a state of perpetual financial ruin brought on by the need to purchase dozens of greeting cards every single day. Terror will reign.
You already knew that most greeting cards aren’t funny, but I hope you’re also starting to realize that Cupid and his Hallmark army are no joke. These boys mean business. Cupid may not be quite as powerful as Santa Claus, but he’s definitely got more holiday clout than the Easter Bunny or the little-known Memorial Day Mountain Yak. That little devil Eros will not hesitate to pop you with one of his noxious arrows. Before you know it, you’ll be infected with holiday fever.
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and I’m trying to figure out a way to stop the onslaught of the Hallmark Holiday army. What can we do to sabotage Feb. 14? One idea that I had is to cover the surface of the Earth in banana peels. If we do this, then everyone will be so upset about slipping on tons of banana peels that they’ll promptly declare Valentine’s Day an anti-holiday, perhaps giving it a snappy title like “That Terrible Day When We All Slipped on A Lot of Banana Peels Anti-Holiday.” Operation Chiquita is indeed a good idea, but I’ve decided that the plan isn’t economically feasible. Unfortunately, I’m at a loss for alternatives.
I guess it’s time to wave the white flag and let the holidays continue. I’m officially announcing a ceasefire against Cupid and his cronies. If you can’t beat the mini god of love, then you might as well buy a box of those nasty little heart candies that taste like chalk. That’s what I intend to do. I intend to have a fun Valentine’s Day. I don’t actually have any firm plans yet, but I’ll probably just sit around and watch Poison videos with my dog, who will be wearing a party hat. I’m not going to ask you to be my valentine, but I won’t complain if you talk dirty to me.
Instead of giving chocolate, Daily Nexus columnist Nick Pasto will be throwing banana peels at his valentines.