Have you ever seen “The Island of Dr. Moreau”? It’s probably my favorite movie of all time. In case you missed it, I’ll briefly summarize the plot: A nefarious mad scientist played by an over-the-hill Marlon Brando begins performing mysterious genetic experiments on animals at his private island retreat. These experiments yield a bevy of half-man, half-animal beasts who run around in poorly designed costumes, shouting things like “I have the fire that kills!” while they spray their comrades with machine gun bullets. I think it’s supposed to be a commentary on the dangers of technology. It ends up being a commentary on the dangers of half-man, half-hyena beasts with AK-47s.
If you ever happen to acquire your own private island, please do not perform genetic experiments on hyenas. They will become violent. They will steal your machine guns. They will kill Val Kilmer. The movie will suck. Your island will suck. I’ve gradually learned these important lessons. Now I’m ready to buy an island of my own.
An entry-level private island currently costs about two million dollars. I don’t actually have that kind of cash, but I did recently write a letter to Bill Gates requesting funds for my important island paradise project. I told him that I wanted to create my own country and that he didn’t need to worry about me performing any genetic experiments on hyenas, lions, alpacas or any other sort of creature. I haven’t heard back from Mr. Gates, but I’m expecting my check in the mail any day now. Once I secure those precious funds, I’m going to create the perfect island.
My island will be an amazing place. We’re going to shun capitalism in favor of a new system known as “lazism.” Lazism will celebrate complacency and inaction over ambition and achievement. Instead of glorifying self-important turds like Donald Trump, the lazist society will deify underachievers who sit around on beanbag chairs, philosophizing and humping all day. There will be absolutely no pressure to work hard and consume.
That’s the real problem with capitalism. There’s a lot of emphasis on getting rich and hoarding unnecessary junk. This won’t be an issue on Lazist Island. We’re not going to reward reckless ambition. We’re going to reward complete apathy. Instead of having award shows for winners, we’re going to have award shows for losers. Categories will include “Lifetime Achievement in Doing Nothing,” “Best Lack of Performance by a Male Actor” and “Most Useless Human.”
Lazist Island will be a land of total freedom. Citizens won’t be forced to do boring grunt work. They’ll be allowed to read, write, draw, knit, play sports and do whatever else they feel like. Government will be minimal. Power will be solar. Lobotomized chimpanzees will provide manual labor. Benevolence, generosity and brotherhood will rule. It will be glorious.
This may sound unrealistic to you. That’s because you’re stupid. We’ve all been raised to believe that you have to work hard in order to get ahead in life. This is bullshit. You don’t have to work hard. With modern technology, there’s really no need for everyone to work relentlessly from nine to five. We’re very capable of providing for our own basic needs without all of that excess labor. Besides, work sucks. I’d much rather go to Lazist Island and live among the lazy.
I’ve probably sold you on my proposal. You’re probably ready to abandon the money-hungry American lifestyle in favor of lazism. I’m glad you’ve finally seen the light, but – oh shit, hold on a second. The mailman just knocked on the door. He says he has a package for me. I’ll be back in a second.
Wow! Bill Gates wrote me a check for two million dollars! That’s some serious bank. Forget that nonsense about peace, brotherhood and paradise. I’m going to go cash this check. Then I’m going to buy a solid gold Bentley with diamond windows and a hood-mounted machine gun. My car will be significantly better than your car. I’ll steal your girl. You will be jealous.
Daily Nexus columnist Nick Pasto actually paid his pet gorilla to write this column for him.