I don’t know what killed off the dinosaurs. Maybe it was an asteroid. Maybe it was disease. Maybe it was a combination of Pop Rocks and Coca-Cola. I’ll probably never know for sure, but I do think I’ve managed to figure out the eventual source of humanity’s demise. That’s right, I think I’ve managed to pinpoint the exact cause of our extinction.

RealDolls are the world’s finest love dolls. These overgrown Barbie and Ken cousins feature ultra flesh-like silicone rubber skin, an articulated skeleton for realistic sexual positions and enough portals of love to keep the whole family occupied during holiday get-togethers. RealDolls are designed to accommodate any insertion, featuring gaping cavities that allow for deep penetration.

Don’t fret if you missed out on the girl or boy of your dreams. RealDolls are highly customizable, meaning you can purchase your very own lifelike copy of “the one that got away.” Your RealDoll won’t complain about being neglected. It won’t expect gifts on its birthday. It will love you unconditionally with the whole of its soulless heart.

Unfortunately for perverts, these sex machines aren’t free. The standard female RealDoll costs $6,499. The standard male model costs $6,999. Don’t let these lofty price tags discourage you. If you’re hurting for cash, you can always check for used RealDolls on craigslist or eBay. You could even try your luck with the “Rent-A-RealDoll” program at your local adult bookstore.

One thing’s for sure: In the not-so-distant future, everyone on Earth will own a RealDoll. Living room floors will be covered with piles of inanimate toy lovers. Walk-in closets will be packed full of rubber Casanovas. RealDolls will occupy every square inch of every home in America. Sex slave technology will eventually be so good that no one will be able to tell the difference between a RealDoll and the real thing. This could be problematic.

People will be so busy wasting their days away wailing on prosthetic portals that they’ll completely forget about their real lives. Society will slowly crumble to pieces. Industrious chimpanzees will seize the opportunity and conquer the world, leaving Charlton Heston as the sole survivor of a forgotten species. The old actor will wander around the desolate landscape, wondering what happened to his fellow Homo Sapiens. Then he’ll see the Statue of Liberty and remember that the RealDolls ruined us. Then his Alzheimer’s will kick in, and he’ll forget again.

Here’s a reminder, Charlton: It was those damn dirty RealDolls that did us in.

Sex is a very motivating thing. People will do all sorts of crazy things to get it. They’ll work extremely hard to accumulate resources so they can impress prospective mates and current partners. If we eliminate this incentive by offering easy access to mind-blowing loving from realistic rubber dolls, then we might soon wind up with a world full of unmotivated nymphomaniacs.

We can avoid this disaster if we all agree to boycott RealDolls. I don’t care if love doll technology eventually reaches total realism. I don’t want to live in a world where everyone stays inside banging virtual Brad Pitt all day. Sex with rubber people may be fun, but the fun will stop when the chimpanzees take over the world and eat your eyeballs. Stay natural. It’s our only hope.

Daily Nexus columnist Nick Pasto was outbid by a chimpanzee during his latest attempt to purchase a Gary Coleman RealDoll with lifelike talking capabilities.