Multimedia

Local Student Says ‘No Thank You’ to Finals

March 11, 2019 by

Finals are almost here, and with them come yerba binges, restless nights and quiet sobs in the library. This year, though, local UCSB students seem to have put a stop to this quarterly tradition.
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Student Asleep in Egg Chair Since 1992 Finally Wakes Up

March 8, 2019 by

Dazed and confused but thoroughly reseted, that same girl you’ve seen perpetually slumped in one of Davidson Library’s egg chairs every single day since freshman year has finally woken up.
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Girl Who Reposts All Her Birthday Wishes To Instagram Story Edges out Ted Cruz and Fyre Festival Guy for Worst Person in the World

March 7, 2019 by

In an international poll with hundreds of millions of participants, Girl Who Reposts All Her Birthday Wishes To Instagram Story has narrowly been declared the worst person in the entire world. The rac...
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Engineering Department Rampant with Bootcut Jeans and Skechers, Prompts Campuswide Orgasms

March 7, 2019 by

UCSB’s high-ranking College of Engineering is allegedly rampant with bootcut jeans and Skechers — and everyone is nutting, according to a new observation by Anyone Who’s Ever Been on That Side o...
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Professor Tells Terminally-Ill Student ‘No Make-Ups, Go Fuck Yourself’

March 7, 2019 by

This Friday, one professor in the UCSB math department reportedly told a terminally-ill student, Sal Monella, to “get fucked” when said student requested to take a midterm late due to his mortal a...
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A.S. is Fine! Everything is Fine!

March 5, 2019 by

Associated Students is doing the best it has ever done! Never has A.S. done so many beneficial things for UCSB. A.S. passes only good plans that are very well thought through and everyone agrees on th...
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Last-Ditch Effort

March 3, 2019 by


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Internal Conflict

March 3, 2019 by


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White Girl Continues To Touch Hair of Beautiful Girl Who Sits in Front of Her

February 28, 2019 by

Last week, it was reported that Tiffany-Joy Johanson-Mills suddenly and without consent plunged her fingers into the hair of a Beautiful Girl sitting in front of her during a mid-sized communication p...
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“Oh the Caucasity,” Exclaims the 5 Percent of Black Students at UCSB

February 28, 2019 by

In what is breaking news to only white students, an abysmal five percent of students at UC Santa Barbara are actually Black. While Black students have been painfully aware of this fact for a very long...
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Letters To My Lover (Recruiter)

February 27, 2019 by

Dearest Recruiter, How are you? How have you been? I haven’t heard from you in two months, but I’m doing fine. Being ghosted is normal for me, so just let me know when you want to talk. I’ll be ...
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The Curse of the Creepy Mural in Ortega Dining Commons

February 26, 2019 by

Ortega dining hall is home to many wonders: a piano for show-offs, vegetarian Mondays and a ghastly mural that might suck out your soul if you look at it for too long. Ortega’s 76-foot-long mural, d...
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5 Places to Park in I.V.

February 25, 2019 by

Isla Vista is notorious for being devoid of parking spaces; there’s no greater rage than when you think you’ve found a parking spot, but it turns out to be the entrance to someone’s driveway. Th...
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Housemate Gets Laid, Can’t Stop Exclaiming, “Man I Didn’t Sleep at All Last Night!”

February 21, 2019 by

Local resident Virgil Nomo had a busy night last night if you know what I mean, but you probably already heard because he won’t shut up about it.
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Breaking News: Girl Regrets Lip Tattoo

February 21, 2019 by

There’s a long list of regrettable decisions frequently made by college students: waiting until the night before to start writing a paper, drunkenly emailing your professor to apologize for causing ...
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