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May 14, 2019

Student Preemptively Rolling for Extravaganza

By Max Myszkowski

Today, nearly a whole business week before Extravaganza celebrations are due to begin, UCSB student Molly Poppins decided to preemptively get in the spirit of the festival the only way she knows how - that’s right: pil...

May 13, 2019

HERO ALERT: Man Goes Down on Woman

By Betty Cocker

ISLA VISTA, CALIFORNIA — A bold and valiant display of heroism took place in the wee hours of Saturday morning when local man Bryce Daniels performed oral sex on his girlfriend Jessica Payton.

May 10, 2019

BREAKING: College Professor Actually Just Big Idiot

By Arthur King

This past Tuesday, Professor Joe Kerr of environmental studies accidentally misprinted the midterm for a class of over 800 students. As it turns out, Kerr printed a midterm from Winter Quarter three years ago and distrib...

May 9, 2019

Emotional Sensitivi-Bee

By Kate Ryan

May 9, 2019

Bird

By Ruby Bruder

May 9, 2019

Panda Express Line Reaches All-Time High, Chaos Ensues

By Max Myszkowski

Earlier this week, during the daily lunch-rush feeding frenzy at the University Center’s Panda Express, the wait time for this inauthentic — yet no less delicious — cuisine reached an all-time high.

May 8, 2019

In Photos | Community Garden Grand Opening

By Daily Nexus Photography

The new community garden is located at University United Methodist Church, on the corner of Sueno and Camino del Sur.

May 7, 2019

Spotify Targets Young Singles With Ambient 8-Hour Playlist of Couples Arguing

By Daniel Carroll

In an effort to acquire young single listeners, Spotify has released an eight-hour-long playlist featuring the ambient back-and-forths of couples arguing. The “Couples Arguing” playlist features a diverse range of co...

May 6, 2019

How To Break Your RA in the Final Quarter

By Sadie Istic

Freshmen, you’ve almost made it through your first year of college, and we at Nexustentialism would like to sincerely congratulate you! We believe that a fitting celebration would be mentally breaking your RA to the po...

May 3, 2019

Non-Traditional Student Mom Somehow Able To Make All Class Content Relate Back to Ten-Year-Old Son, Ethan

By Sam Penn

Students of History 178B: US Wealth and Poverty have found that somehow, all class content ties back to non-traditional and fellow student Tammy Oblesky’s son, Ethan.

May 2, 2019

Breaking: EX-S.T.E.M. Major Finds New Ways To Hate Her Life

By Carly Kay

After switching her major from biochemistry to medieval studies, third-year Ima Noying has longed to fill the empty void in her heart that used to be nourished by the steady source of suffering associated with being a S....

May 1, 2019

Alumna Finally Shoots Her Shot With Cutie From the Fourth Floor

By Maddie Smith

This alumni weekend was said to cause nostalgia in old Gauchos who came back for one last hurrah. So much nostalgia, in fact, that multiple alumni were seen trying to rekindle romances with their drunken hookups and thei...

May 1, 2019

Stagecoach Takes All the Racism Away from I.V. for the Weekend

By Raffi Torres

This weekend, in unprecedented fashion, Isla Vista witnessed an absolute first that shocked the local authorities. What was that first? Isla Vista experienced no racist incidents for the first time since March 1987.

April 30, 2019

Alumnus Visits His Former I.V. House, Forces Current Residents on a Trip Down Memory Lane

By Chad Wilson

Alumni weekend provides former Gauchos a chance to escape the grueling reality of adulthood by letting them roam around their old stomping grounds to relive the peak of their existence. Between awkward appearances at par...