Emma Demorest

Emma Demorest is the editor of Nexustentialism. She once licked the largest wooden yoyo in the world.

July 23, 2021

Five Meals UCSB Freshman Can Look Forward to Eating at Ortega

By Emma Demorest

"This crowd pleaser is an innovative take on the classic gazpacho. Ortega chefs insist that this dish was in fact heavily requested by students and not created due to a tight budget."

May 10, 2021

Sad! Library Chairs Haven’t Felt a Fart in More Than a Year

By Emma Demorest

“What we’re seeing is a lot of chairs kind of shriveling up in the cushion part,” Davidson custodian and chair expert Frank Todd said. “Without the farts, they really lose all the life in them.”

February 18, 2021

Zoom Schooling Proving Difficult for Local “Ass Lovers”

By Emma Demorest

“I miss seeing a little action in a pair of Kohl’s jeans some physics guy’s mom bought for them,” said Ass Woman Junkina Trunk, who went on to admit that she’s had to watch playbacks of “that CNN election kha...

January 11, 2021

Brave! TPS Tirelessly Dishing Out Tickets Amidst Pandemic

By Emma Demorest

“I never once thought about giving up,” third-year and all-around bland man Krac said. “I decided the least I could do was to give UCSB a smidge of normalcy during this tumultuous time.”

October 31, 2020

UCSB Students Looking Forward to the Lockdown Halloween They’re Used To

By Emma Demorest

The I.V. residents Nexustentialism spoke with all seemed to share a unanimous sense of reassurance in knowing that COVID-19 would not be infiltrating the sanctity of this yearly ritual.

July 2, 2020

Dowries, Barn Raises, Making Comeback

By Emma Demorest

Since such things like global pandemics, once thought to be outdated, have come back around, why not revive some highlights of yesteryear while we’re at it!

June 17, 2020

Not to Worry! Times May be Changing, But This Professor’s Grading Scale Absolutely Will Not

By Emma Demorest

“I mean, are we facing major, necessary systemic changes as a country? Sure. Do we live our lives differently because of a deadly untreatable virus? Of course. That’s why I think it’s so important that amidst all t...

May 15, 2020

Stats Indicate for First Time in 300 Years, More People Baking Bread Than Having Sex

By Emma Demorest

“I don’t really remember what sex is like at this point,” Laeid said. “So putting my dough in the oven is about as close as I’ll get to seeing anything rise.”

January 9, 2020

TPS Hiring! Only Asks That Applicants Be Scum of Earth

By Emma Demorest

A new job opportunity has opened up for students on campus this week at UCSB’s Transportation and Parking Services. Not just anyone can apply, however. To obtain a position within the department, Transportation and Par...

December 19, 2019

Oops! Student’s Soul That Left Body During Finals Returns to Econ Professor Gary Marvitz

By Emma Demorest

Last week marked the last of fall quarter finals for most UCSB students. This proved to be both a blessing and a curse for student Jake Gladstone, whose soul left his body sometime around his 10th Redbull l...

December 2, 2019

Jack Johnson To Rebrand as “Lil’ Johnson”

By Emma Demorest

In an effort to keep up with burgeoning young artists like Lil Yachty, Lil Baby and Lil Pump (to name but a few), locally venerated celebrity and big “vibes guy” Jack Johnson informed the press this week that ...

November 14, 2019

Sad! Local Vegan Won’t Even Eat Own Boogers

By Emma Demorest

Local vegan Ian Greenberg shocked friends and family this week when he admitted that — as a vegan — he abstains from eating his own boogers. “Like damn man,” said Ian’s close friend, Greg Santos. “But you k...

October 24, 2019

C.A.P.S. To Ask Students to “Maybe Try To Be Happy, Instead of Sad?”

By Emma Demorest

With collective pressure on California universities to better student health services, UCSB’s Counseling and Psychological Services program has launched a groundbreaking “See the Sunny Side!” initiative. T...

October 1, 2019

A Brief History of Storke Tower

By Emma Demorest

As many are aware, the idea behind Storke Tower came as a fever dream that then-chancellor Conrad H. Hornbreau had while fighting what would ultimately become a fatal bout of dysentery. Initially disinterested with the i...

September 4, 2019

Oops! Barefoot Granola Girl Gets Broken Glass in Toe While Walking in I.V.

By Emma Demorest

Medics were called early this week to the aid of third-year Gabby Trinkino, whose bloodied foot was hard to ignore by many who passed her by on Pardall. Trinkino, an environmental studies major, seemed shocked a...

August 22, 2019

Breaking News: Freshman Girl to Have Fairy Lights, Photo of Boyfriend

By Emma Demorest

The photo in question, which Romero will point to when referencing her boyfriend and telling new roommates and friends that she already has one, will be a printed photo from Snapchat.