Ariana Marmolejo

Ariana Marmolejo serves as the Nexustentialism Editor and spends her days making bad to moderately good jokes. She formally requests that any anonymous hate comments be sent to her directly via email at nexustentialism@dailynexus.com.

May 30, 2019

Ollie Tabooger and The Never-Ender Senior Sender Bender

By Ariana Marmolejo

DEL PLAYA DRIVE — Late one fateful night on Week 9 of Spring Quarter, resident senior and party connoisseur Ollie Tabooger was hit with a fleeting epiphany. Reflecting on his last four years of party-hopping and drunke...

April 2, 2019

Student Health Now Fully Staffed by Plague Doctors

By Ariana Marmolejo

In an effort to save money at the direct and immediate expense of student wellbeing, Student Health Services is pleased to announce that they have replaced all physicians and trained medical professionals with plague doc...

November 1, 2018

Regarding Sexual Assault, UCSB’s Inaction Speaks Louder Than Words

By Ariana Marmolejo

Ariana Marmolejo examines UCSB's sexual misconduct policies and urges the university to take the matter more seriously.

January 26, 2018

New Chancellor Announced as Large Pile of Money Wearing Glasses

By Ariana Marmolejo

His glasses are prescription.

December 5, 2017

Story in Pictures: The Great I.V. Blackout

By Ariana Marmolejo

Kicking off dead week with some added stress, Isla Vista was plunged into darkness late Monday night, likely as a result of raging fires in Ventura County. Many students abandoned studying to storm DP amidst cold weather...

May 26, 2017

9 (Easy) Steps to Instagram Fame

By Ariana Marmolejo

It’s all about those little red hearts underneath your perfectly candid picture that validate your very existence!

March 10, 2017

How To Get a Spring Break Body

By Ariana Marmolejo

But fear not! We have the perfect answer to the burning question plaguing the millennial generation.

March 3, 2017

Rec Cen Opens up Recreational Drug Use Room

By Ariana Marmolejo

“Wait, they don’t already have this?” said second-year English major James Thompson. “Then, yeah … I’m totally stoked!”

January 27, 2017

Raccoon Trash Lord Grows Stronger Every Time You Litter

By Ariana Marmolejo

Juniper’s origin is unknown, but what is known is that he controls the greater Isla Vista area through his networks of trash.

January 23, 2017

Chancellor Yang Washed Away by Floods

By Ariana Marmolejo

It would appear that he first got caught in the flood around Storke Tower and has since been seen floating down Del Playa, holding on to a rogue surfboard.

December 6, 2016

22 Last Minute Ways to Raise Your Grade

By Ariana Marmolejo

Do not sleep. At all. It slows down the brain and prevents further learning.

November 27, 2016

Professor Only Curses To Impress Freshmen

By Ariana Marmolejo

Students have claimed that his casual F-bombs and “shits” don't make his second-rate retelling of elementary school history any more interesting.

November 19, 2016

Obama Barricades Self in Oval Office, Refuses to Let 45th President In

By Ariana Marmolejo

Shortly after meeting with President-elect Donald Trump and participating in a civil photo-op, a composed Obama immediately kicked everyone out, grabbed a pint of Cherry Garcia and then locked the doors.

November 9, 2016

Marijuana Legalization Used as Coping Mechanism for Californians Under Trump Presidency

By Jasmine Vaughn, Ariana Marmolejo

ISLA VISTA, CA - Amidst the dark clouds surrounding election night, a cloud of a different type began to rise above the nerve-wracked streets of I.V.

October 18, 2016

QUIZ: When Will You Peak?

By Ariana Marmolejo

After you hit that point, it’s pretty much all downhill from there. Take this incredibly important and accurate test to figure out the trajectory of your life so you can plan accordingly.