Courtesy of John Clow

You know that you tell your family you’re in college to get an education and have a blast during these special, formative years, but let’s get real. Do you really even like marketing? Do you even know what marketing is? Do you really dream of spending your days in a cubicle “accounting” shit?

Sure, public policy is important, but do you know what’s even more important? Instagram. Your overall aesthetic. Your follower-to-following ratio. It’s all about those little red hearts underneath your perfectly candid picture that validate your very existence! Fret not, buttercup, for you are definitely not the only one. You’re actually quite common. So scroll down to find out just how to become ~*Instagram Famous*~ and monetize your account so you can drop out already!


  1. First, decide what your aesthetic will be and stick to it. It can be anything. If your life isn’t that interesting or exciting, that’s fine. The internet is almost entirely composed of lies, so it is perfectly fine if your feed is, too.
  2. Give yourself an exciting new nickname that no one actually calls you in real life. This will be very eye-catching for potential new followers and will help lure them deeper into your account.
  3. Next, you need to focus on your bio. It has to really be ~you~ while still being both utterly mysterious yet completely relatable. A quote? A Bible verse? Your life goals? A string of emojis that even you can’t decipher? The great thing about Instagram is that you really get to be who you want to be.
  4. Now you can focus on your profile photo. Pretty easy — select the best photo of yourself. This will take at least several hours to capture, maybe even days, so you better be ready to give it your fucking all if you want to be Insta-famous.
  5. Most importantly, you must maintain your feed. Post every three to four days. Post pictures of yourself, pictures of you with your coolest friends, post pics of exotic places and expensive coffees. You know the drill. Keep that shit up.
  6. “But what about my caption?!” you cry. Don’t be a little bitch, I say. Use your brain. You are in college, aren’t you? Put that to good use. Say something quirky, say something nasty. I really don’t care. It’s a case-to-case basis, and you gotta do what you gotta do to get those organic follows, you know what I mean?
  7. Now that you have the most poppin’ Insta game on the block, you need to MONETIZE, and fast. Try getting sponsored. Detox tea is always a good option, but feel free to explore what’s out there.
  8. Sacrifice yourself to Kevin Systrom and his billion-dollar app in a fiery spectacle to receive great rewards and riches and to complete your transformation into an ~Instagram Celebrity~ .
  9. You’re welcome.


Ariana Marmolejo has strategically chosen to not become Instagram famous because she doesn’t want to make you jealous.


Ariana Marmolejo
Ariana Marmolejo serves as the Nexustentialism Editor and spends her days making bad to moderately good jokes. She formally requests that any anonymous hate comments be sent to her directly via email at