Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

What Does Your Lecture Hall Seat Say About You?

October 7, 2016 by

You can tell a lot about a person from their official unassigned spot.
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Summer Tour Guide Spotted Still Walking Backward

October 5, 2016 by

Greyson Phillips has not stopped walking backward since his last University-sanctioned campus tour well over a month ago.
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Beating Festival FOMO: 8 New Events Selling Overpriced Day Passes

October 3, 2016 by

For those of you who missed Coachella, you may have experienced a bout of FOMO, or the “fear of missing out.”
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Professor Creates Add Code Competition, Mass Casualties Ensue

September 30, 2016 by

The competition consists of four stages: a chariot race, a steel cage wrestling match, jousting, and finally a multiple choice exam.
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Unsure Student Desperately Searches for Confirmation They’re in Correct Classroom

September 28, 2016 by

"If someone in front of me could pull up their G.O.L.D. or write the class title on the top of their page, I would feel a lot better right now."
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Sorority Sally Goes 2 Weeks Without Social Media, Narrowly Survives

September 26, 2016 by

Day 3: Have re-activated Facebook accidentally through Spotify. The whole chapter has been fined for my negligence, and my Spotify privileges have been revoked.
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Week of Welcome Events That Didn’t Wow

September 23, 2016 by

Llamas & Lupus, Chips for Lips, and Moonlight Milk are all bygone welcome events that have come and gone on campus.
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How to Speak UCSB in 6 Easy Steps

September 19, 2016 by

When you go to the library, tell your friends you’re, “going to the lib.” If you want to initiate a fist bump, yell, “fist me, bro!”
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Mattress Theft On the Rise as The Chainsmokers Glorify Being an Asshole to Your Roommate

September 8, 2016 by

One victim of theft reported "the worst part is she took the sheets, too, and I bet she doesn't even keep them pulled over the corners."
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Surefire Ways to Gain the Freshman 15

August 28, 2016 by

As much as we upperclassmen want to diss you for asking where the Del Playa is, drinking all our alcohol and posting semi-clothed Instas with the caption “Halloween is lit,” we know we will get ou...
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5 Tips for Freshmen Still Suffering from Post-High-School Stress Disorder

August 23, 2016 by

Need some tips on how to make your first year not suck? Don’t worry, we gaucho back.
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Quiz: Which STD Are You?

August 19, 2016 by

The original game of "Gotta catch 'em all!"
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5 Student Resource Services You’ve Been Neglecting, You Complete Fool

August 12, 2016 by

The Student Resource Building (SRB) is a magical wonderland filled with dreams and opportunities. We all know about CLAS, EOP and the Disabled Students Program, but did you know about these?
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Stuck in Pallet Town? Join Team Rocket!

August 8, 2016 by

I wanna be the very best / like no one ever was. / But I’m stuck here in Pallet Town, / a dreamer with no cause.
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Sophomore Slump Now Entering 7th Quarter

August 5, 2016 by

As fall 2016 approaches, incoming seniors are left looking at their life and the choices that have led them here.
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