Student with Poor Music Taste Suffers Ruptured Eardrums in Davidson

March 20, 2018 by

“I wish I had listened to my mom when I still could."
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Study Abroad Student Misses Memo, Shows Up 1 Week Early

January 19, 2018 by

The TAs then handed out the exams, and the professor wrote the time remaining on the board. Still, Sanders remained clueless.
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10 Stages of Finals Week

December 8, 2017 by

Despair. Pizza cravings. Yerba Mate. More despair. Finals season brings on a whole wave of feelings. Here is what a typical finals week looks like.
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Fresh Meat for Freshmen Program Proves a Huge Missed Steak

July 28, 2017 by

The Commission on Welcoming Freshmen (CWF) has cut funding for their proposed program “Fresh Meat for Freshmen”
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Local Ant Colony Prepares for Upcoming Picnic Season

July 24, 2017 by

As boiling July turns to simmering August, many families prepare last-minute outings before the new school year commences.
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Student Struggles Against Urge To Show-off Newfound Drinking Skills

July 18, 2017 by

Marie Bryant, a soon-to-be third year history student, returned to her hometown of Pasadena, California, to spend the summer break with her family.
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U.S. Interferes in North Carrillo Lunch

May 18, 2017 by

Chaos ensued last week when a local office for the U.S. Food and Drug Administration booked Carillo’s Mountainview Room for a staff meeting.
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Student Crumbles in Spring Quarter, Asks Parents For Money

May 11, 2017 by

A UCSB student lost her pride this weekend when she finally succumbed to poverty and asked her mom to transfer some money to her bank account.
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Drunken Basket Stealer Shows No Remorse in Court

April 4, 2017 by

“Yeah, I did it, and I’d gladly do it again. Those baskets knew what they were in for. Zip ties ain’t got nothing on me.”
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5 Most Romantic Spaces in the Library

March 21, 2017 by

Are you afraid the love of your life might slip away because all you can think about are blue books and essay prompts? Have no fear! Nexustentialism is here to save your unraveling relationships.
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Putin Hacks Starbucks, Students Rejoice Over Free Lattes

January 31, 2017 by

“It actually wasn’t that bad for me,” Starbucks barista Denise Gates said. “Many people tried to make up for it in tips so I counted myself lucky to be working that shift.”
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Trump Appoints Stanford Tree Head of U.S. Forest Service

January 26, 2017 by

“This is a guy who knows trees and the problems that they face,” said President Trump.
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Satan Declines Invitation to Trump Inauguration

January 18, 2017 by

“I was told that ‘literally Hitler’ would be sworn in. I know Hitler; he’s a good friend of mine. This guy is no Hitler; he doesn’t even have the mustache,”
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Santa Rescued from Sinking Sleigh by Heroic Surfers

December 25, 2016 by

“At first I couldn’t believe it,” second-year environmental studies Joseph Wilkins, one of the rescuers, said.
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Student Rushing Kappa Kappa Kappa Doesn’t Realize the Klan is not a Frat

October 25, 2016 by

“They were always wearing their robes and hoods, they chanted. I thought that’s what Greek organizations did.”
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