Weather

November 1, 2004

Partied Like It’s 1999

By Staff

Can you believe we're supposed to put together a paper on Halloween night? Fuck that. Fortunately, we thought ahead and made this issue a week ago.

October 29, 2004

You’re Invited

By system

The authorities are doing everything in their power to keep out-of-towners away from our celebration this weekend. I'm not a big fan of excessive visitors, but I feel kind of bad for the poor souls who will drive all the...

October 27, 2004

A.S. Needs Your Help

By system

Heyyyyyyy kids! Wouldn't you like to feel as if you had a say in student government? Now you can feel as if you do!

October 27, 2004

The End Is Nigh

By system

Two rare events

October 26, 2004

Killer Bee Hall

By system

I'm very disappointed by the choice of our campus buildings' namesakes. For example, Kerr Hall is not named after Warwick Kerr, the Brazilian geneticist who introduced African killer bees to the Americas.

October 22, 2004

Get Up, Get Down

By system

Last night I had a dream where this ventriloquist lady was on an airplane and she did this really good impression of the pilot speaking: "This is the captain from the flight deck. The seat belt sign has been turned off s...

October 22, 2004

Crafty County Conspirators

By system

Perhaps there's a sinister explanation for why the county has supported a sea wall for Goleta Beach, where no one lives, but not in I.V., where people's houses are gradually, literally, falling into the ocean.

October 20, 2004

Readin’, Ritin’, Roastin’

By system

California is the 43rd smartest state in the country, according to a survey that ranks public education systems nationwide (in other words, sixth dumbest).

October 20, 2004

The Missingitemshuman

By system

It would be really weird to have a fetish for missing things. Like, "Hey baby, why don't we turn the lights down low and lose our car keys?"

October 19, 2004

Vegetating

By system

Huzzah for rain! The bright, dry air pains my sensitive night-shift eyes. If I had my way, the entire campus would be a catacombs of interlaced passages connecting cold, clammy subterranean chambers - like the current Br...

October 18, 2004

Good Citizenship

By system

Today is the last day to register to vote in the Nov. 2 election. It's important to practice voting now so you'll be extra prepared when it comes time to elect me for A.S. president later this year.

October 15, 2004

Yay, That Sucks

By system

If you actually read the paper today, you'll discover that you can go on an all-expenses-paid road trip to Florida to help hurricane victims. Cool! It's like the time I got a cushy job after a co-worker was injured badly...

October 14, 2004

Made Elsewhere

By system

Yesterday some bozo said the Weather sucks this year. Unfortunately, he may be right; the budget crunch has forced the Nexus to outsource the Weatherhuman to writers in Bangalore, India, so quality may have suffered.

October 13, 2004

A Crappy Day

By system

I am currently watching two guys carry bags of waste water out of the Nexus office. For a few harrowing hours the other night, sewage seeped into the office - perhaps the lagoon backed up - and all of you who think the N...

October 12, 2004

You’re a Winner!

By system

UCSB FACULTY MEMBER: YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY WON $1,300,000.00!!! As a UCSB instructor, you are AUTOMATICALLY ENROLLED in the NOBEL PRIZE CONTEST!

October 11, 2004

What’s That Smell?

By system

Damn, don't forget to clean out your backpack every now and then. I use mine as a refrigerator/pharmacy/library/file cabinet, and what goes in doesn't always come back out.