Can you believe we’re supposed to put together a paper on Halloween night? Fuck that. Fortunately, we thought ahead and made this issue a week ago. We ran this exact same paper several years ago and just changed the dates and stuff. It’s not like it’s hard to predict the post-Halloween news, and no one will be on campus anyway.

Monday’s forecast: Everyone is too hung over to go to class and read our top story, “Crowds Celebrate Wild Halloween in I.V.”