If you actually read the paper today, you’ll discover that you can go on an all-expenses-paid road trip to Florida to help hurricane victims. Cool! It’s like the time I got a cushy job after a co-worker was injured badly enough to permanently leave their job.

What? No, no, no, not this job. I firmly oppose weatherhuman suffering… so don’t get any ideas.

Friday’s forecast: Would-be weatherhuman assailants are foiled by my lack of an identity.