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Arnold Schwarzensexist

October 3, 2003 by

Let's start with a few recall election truisms. A week from now, the zany recall circus will be over and California's tax-loving, business-loathing government might just be in the hands of family man ...
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Drugstore Cowboy: Medicinal Mayhem in the War on Cannabis

October 3, 2003 by

The war on drugs has sunk to a new low. Last Sunday, Sept. 28, the San Joaquin County District Attorney's office filed charges against Aaron Paradiso, who lives outside of Stockton. Aaron is a quadrip...
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Presidential Hopeful General Wesley Clark Isn’t All He Claims to Be.

October 3, 2003 by

This is the story of 135 power-hungry status seekers, seemingly chosen at random to take part in the latest and most embarrassing display of political absurdity this side of the 2000 Presidential deba...
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Disposing of the Evidence

October 2, 2003 by

By now, many of you have undoubtedly heard about Proposition 54. This initiative, which is backed by Ward Connerly, the UC Regent behind Proposition 209, proposes to ban the state of California from c...
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Check the Weather Before You Leave

October 2, 2003 by

The weathercomputer is on the fritz once again. The friendly technical support representative diagnosed my grumblings as resulting from a faulty motherboard.
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Student Groups Can Help You Prevent Sexual Assault in I.V.

October 2, 2003 by

The recent sexual assaults in Francisco Torres and Isla Vista are incredibly scary, life-changing events for the women involved. Unfortunately, sexual assaults are much more prevalent in our community...
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Flip Flop

October 1, 2003 by

Did you get a chance to catch the wisdom of Paul Watson, write-in candidate for governor, as he spoke before a crowd of half-dozens in front of the UCen?
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Ejaculation Is for Girls Too

October 1, 2003 by

My best friend and I were having a heated debate over the validity of female ejaculation. Having never experienced a gusher before, I rejected his idea that they are real.
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Isla Vista: A Slum of a Most Memorable Character

October 1, 2003 by

When I say that I.V. is a microcosm of America's worst and best, I mean a lot of things. American lifestyle, history and attitudes manifest in these harsh Santa Barbara conditions at levels seen littl...
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War, Recall and Hell’s Hostile Takeover of Earth

October 1, 2003 by

Truth may be the first casualty of war, but just because it's dead doesn't mean you have to drag it down the street with its guts trailing behind it as double-jawed hyenas gnaw on the gristle.
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UCSB Fraternities and Sororities Decry I.V. Porn as Bad Business

October 1, 2003 by

As Panhellenic president, I would like to clarify the fact that the UCSB greek system does not in any way support the recent activities involving pornography that have taken place at certain parties i...
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Malicious Misinformation

September 30, 2003 by

The Palestinian-Israeli conflict is decades old, and it often seems as though there is no end in sight. Following the breakdown of the Quartet's "roadmap" peace plan and the resignation of Palestinian...
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Uncaged

September 30, 2003 by

More ugly birthday savagery, but this time one of the weatherfriends was the victim. Drunk, delirious the friend was having a good time-until being spotted by the Sasquatch.
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The Artful Dodger: Just Try to Ignore the Talking Pavement

September 30, 2003 by

"You know this isn't wrong." The pavement near the edge of the 6600 block of Pasado Road told me so. If I'm not mistaken, this mysterious message of reassurance became part of the Isla Vista landscape...
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A Subdivided Closet Case

September 29, 2003 by

I awake at 8 a.m. to get into the bacterial jungle that is my shower. As a train rumbles by and causes the foundation of my building to shake, I wonder if my shower is actually going to get me any cle...
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