Local woman hyped for Valentine’s Day card haul from dentist, Victoria’s Secret

January 25, 2024 by

“Contrary to popular belief, I actually receive much correspondence from a variety of suitors,” McKinsey purrs contentedly.
read more

Local senior burned out from iClicker attendance quiz

October 13, 2023 by

After three long years of slaving away (looking on Quizlet) and breaking our backs (using ChatGPT) for our degrees, I can confidently speak for all seniors when I say: We are tired.
read more

First day of school dos and don’ts for freshmen

September 8, 2023 by

Print this out, laminate it and carry it around at all times for easy perusal.
read more

This AAPI Month I’m celebrating by asking all my friends to bring me a platter of cut fruit

May 29, 2023 by

Ahh, the sweet sound of healthy communication.
read more

So, President’s Day had to be during Black History Month Huh?

March 27, 2023 by

What’s the point of President’s Day anyway? To get a couple more hours of shut-eye on our brand new Sleep Number smart mattress?
read more

Eulogy for Pizza My Heart

September 1, 2022 by

Where else can you consume 40 whole cloves of garlic on a pizza in front of your unsuspecting Bumble date? Fuck you! Who do you think you are?
read more

Comedian! Local Man Adds -Ussy to the End of Each Word

May 12, 2022 by

“Heart? Stolen. Panties? Soaked. Hotel? Trivago.”
read more

UCSB Ranked No. 5 Nationwide Due to Vibes, Sex Appeal

March 31, 2022 by

While it may forever be a mystery as to why our institution by the sea is such a strong attracting force for students across the country, we can sleep soundly with the knowledge that we are in the com...
read more

Frats Offer Limited Valentine’s Day Deal: BOGO Herpes, Heartbreak

February 14, 2022 by

There’s a whiff of something new in the moist breeze of Isla Vista — that’s right, it’s the season of luuurve here in our very own crack den of a college town! One deep breath in through the n...
read more

Chancellor Yang’s Flop Era Lowkey Serving? The Student Body Weighs In

February 8, 2022 by

As tensions surrounding the return to online classes reach a breaking point, our favorite fancy chancy, Daddy Yang himself, is losing popularity faster than you can say “flop era.” Although the fo...
read more

Did Quarantine Ruin Your Social Skills Or Are You Just Less Pleasant Now?: A Brief Guide

September 30, 2021 by

Hopefully this guide has illustrated the slight, but crucial differences between a post-quarantine slip-up and being an inherent fuck-up! Now go out there, have fun, and be safe! Or don’t, because y...
read more

UCSB “Classroom Building” To Be Unveiled Along With “Sitting Chairs” and “Talking Podiums”

August 25, 2021 by

Do you often find yourself utterly bewildered as to the function of everyday objects? Are you also disillusioned with the barren landscape of our fine institution? Well, you’re in luck, because for ...
read more

Instagram Infographics Saturate the Market, Demand Plummets

May 24, 2021 by

This new surge in popularity of activism-adjacent paraphernalia has led to the overproduction of Instagram infographics to the point of market saturation
read more

Office Hours With Professor The Most Intimate Valentine’s Day Local Woman Will Ever Have

February 12, 2021 by

Biggcok has emailed some of her young-ish eligible professors for “assistance with the material.” When asked to specify what type of assistance and with what material, Biggcok failed to produce a ...
read more

Sad! Donald Trump Has Said “I Love You” to Domestic Terrorists More Than to Own Children

January 15, 2021 by

Likely one of the only times the Trump children have ever witnessed their father using the L-word so brazenly and yet so tenderly, it is almost certain that at least one of them (probably Eric) burst ...
read more