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Spooky! Third-year Bryce Smith’s Jersey Duvet Hasn’t Been Washed Since Quarter 1 Year 1!

Ghouls and witches beware! There is something much scarier creeping upon us this Halloween season.
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Local Catcaller To Take Leave of Absence After Recently Learning None of the Women He Harasses Actually Want His Dick

In what has so far been a trying week, local catcaller Steven Johnson released a statement on Monday declaring that he would be taking a personal leave after word broke that none of the women he haras...
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Senior Woman Has One Week Left to Find Provider

Sidney Davis, a fourth-year economics major, became stressed this week at the realization that she is about to graduate without being in a stable heterosexual relationship that could end in marriage.
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127 minutes: This student’s arm was stuck under her Hookup’s sleeping body

Second-year Eden Whisman this week is being hailed a hero after surviving 127 grueling minutes pinned under the sleeping body of her weekend hookup.
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Nexustential Crisis: How to Beer Die Bro

An exclusive look into the secret life of beer die bros from the genius journalists of Nexustentialism!
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Amazing! UCSB Student Claims She’s Confident Enough To Wear Low-Rise Jeans!

Readers will remember low rise jeans as the “it-jean” of the early 2000s.
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Confused First Year Thought He’d Have More Sex By Now

Flynn really thought this would be “his year”, as far as sexual escapades go.
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Student Wary of Cuffing Season Preemptively Cuffs Self

Martinez has gone so far as to cuff herself before anyone else gets the chance.
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Sad! Thousands of New Year’s Resolutions Left Abandoned on Streets of DP

Sadly, this is an annual occurrence.
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Emma’s Mom Rates Best Places To Go in I.V.

With parent’s weekend having just passed, we know the reality has hit that you have no clue what to do when parents come visiting. Fear not: Nexustentialism is here to help. And, never one for an un...
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Third-Year Dan Nutmeg Identified as Student Consistently Coughing in Your Lecture

They said it couldn’t be done, but that one guy always coughing in your lectures has finally been identified as third-year biology major Dan Nutmeg.
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