TPS Hiring! Only Asks That Applicants Be Scum of Earth

A new job opportunity has opened up for students on campus this week at UCSB’s Transportation and Parking Services. Not just anyone can apply, however. To obtain a position within the department, Tr...
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Oops! Student’s Soul That Left Body During Finals Returns to Econ Professor Gary Marvitz

    Last week marked the last of fall quarter finals for most UCSB students. This proved to be both a blessing and a curse for student Jake Gladstone, whose soul left his body sometime aroun...
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Jack Johnson To Rebrand as “Lil’ Johnson”

  In an effort to keep up with burgeoning young artists like Lil Yachty, Lil Baby and Lil Pump (to name but a few), locally venerated celebrity and big “vibes guy” Jack Johnson informed the p...
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Sad! Local Vegan Won’t Even Eat Own Boogers

Local vegan Ian Greenberg shocked friends and family this week when he admitted that — as a vegan — he abstains from eating his own boogers.  “Like damn man,” said Ian’s close friend, Greg ...
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C.A.P.S. To Ask Students to “Maybe Try To Be Happy, Instead of Sad?”

  With collective pressure on California universities to better student health services, UCSB’s Counseling and Psychological Services program has launched a groundbreaking “See the Sunny Side...
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A Brief History of Storke Tower

As many are aware, the idea behind Storke Tower came as a fever dream that then-chancellor Conrad H. Hornbreau had while fighting what would ultimately become a fatal bout of dysentery. Initially disi...
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Oops! Barefoot Granola Girl Gets Broken Glass in Toe While Walking in I.V.

  Medics were called early this week to the aid of third-year Gabby Trinkino, whose bloodied foot was hard to ignore by many who passed her by on Pardall.  Trinkino, an environmental studies maj...
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Breaking News: Freshman Girl to Have Fairy Lights, Photo of Boyfriend

The photo in question, which Romero will point to when referencing her boyfriend and telling new roommates and friends that she already has one, will be a printed photo from Snapchat.
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Summer Reading List: Isla Vista Edition

We’ve all heard it said that there’s nothing like a summer in Isla Vista. However, some Gauchos would rather skurt after turning in their last blue book and return to their hometown, feeling oblig...
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Weekly Spotlight: Storke Tower Ducklings

It is with much delight that the Nexus presents the recipients of this week’s character spotlight: the Storke Plaza ducklings! These nine little angels have graced Storke Plaza pond with their lovel...
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UCSB Establishes Bike School for Student Bikers Prone to Accidents

An influx of horrific bike accidents (in which many took to Free & For Sale to voice their grievances and describe the gory details of their injuries) has prompted local UCPD to implement the W.E.A.K....
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Why Bus Rides Are My Favorite Part of UCSB Culture

Sure, UCSB has a lot of great features — the beach, our revered chancellor, that oatmeal they sometimes serve at Portola — but my favorite thing is the bus. There is nothing I love more than stand...
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Choose Your Fighter: Section Edition

Section classmates — we all know them, we all love and/or hate them. We’re all forced to spend 50 minutes once a week with them at some point in our undergraduate careers.
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Spooky! Third-year Bryce Smith’s Jersey Duvet Hasn’t Been Washed Since Quarter 1 Year 1!

Ghouls and witches beware! There is something much scarier creeping upon us this Halloween season.
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Local Catcaller To Take Leave of Absence After Recently Learning None of the Women He Harasses Actually Want His Dick

In what has so far been a trying week, local catcaller Steven Johnson released a statement on Monday declaring that he would be taking a personal leave after word broke that none of the women he haras...
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