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Senior Breaks Up With Sophomore Girlfriend

As the end of the year approaches, graduating seniors in romantic relationships are faced with a difficult decision: marry their college sweetheart or break up with them. Seeing that breaking up is mu...
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Chancellor Yang to Headline Extravaganza

Well folks, you heard it here first. Our beloved Chancellor, Henry T. Yang, will be headlining this year’s Extravaganza festival, according to A.S. Program Board, who announced the lineup yesterday....
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UCSB Enforces Shoe Wearing Policy During Spring Insight

In an email released yesterday, Chancellor Yang wrote the student body to enforce the use of footwear during Spring Insight.
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5 Places to Park in I.V.

Isla Vista is notorious for being devoid of parking spaces; there’s no greater rage than when you think you’ve found a parking spot, but it turns out to be the entrance to someone’s driveway. Th...
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UCSB Bans Bikes to Increase Bird Traffic

In a completely unsurprising turn of events, UCSB has decided to ban the use of bicycles on campus bike paths to allow room for Bird scooters, now the preferred method of transportation for UCSB stude...
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The Limes vs. Birds Turf Wars Are Tearing This University Apart

Isla Vista, CA - According to several witnesses, the residents of the 67 block of DP are now split into two halves: those who are staunch Bird advocates and those who prefer Limes. A turf war has been...
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Dear Professors: Midterms Mean They Happen in the Middle of the Term Not Week Fucking Three

This past Wednesday, fourth-year global studies major Roger Rodgers was seen sobbing on the fourth floor of the library. When approached by a concerned fellow student, Roger just kept crying and was p...
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Dude, Where’s My Bird?

Earlier this morning, IVPD was informed of a robbery that occurred on the 67 block of Sabado Tarde Road. According to third-year pre-law student Garrett Jackson, he parked his Bird in his driveway lat...
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Rodney Raccoon To Run for A.S. President, A.S. Hopefuls Are Shook

It’s time raccoons get the representation they deserve.
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My Mom Reacts To My Articles

This is supposed to be a joke, right? Please tell me this is a joke.
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How to Celebrate Not Turning 21: A Guide to Surviving Your 2 Lamest Birthdays

If you’re between the ages of 19 and 20, the excitement of your special day has long faded.
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Ole the Mascot Replaced By Nachos, Freebirds Rejoices

“Worry not, folks. Our new mascot is a plate of Freebirds Nachos.”
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Trouble Is Afoot: Raccoon Theft Leaves DP Residents Barefoot and Unhappy

This isn’t the first time a raccoon has done something like this.
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