Weather

April 26, 2005

It Could Be Bloodier

By system

I was having a bit of a crummy day, but then the weathermom called and put things in perspective: One of the weatheruncles accidentally sawed off two of his fingers.

April 25, 2005

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

By system

SNGA IS 2 A CRAPY ALBUM AND U DO NT NO WAT UR TALKIN ABOUT. SIMPUL PLAN IS 4 LOOSERS. THANX 4 WRITING.

April 22, 2005

Please Don’t

By system

The other day I saw a car with a sign on the windshield that read, "Please don't take me." I guess this makes sense... after all, what sort of thief wouldn't be moved by the word "please"?

April 21, 2005

Required Reading

By system

Today's the last day to vote for me for A.S. president. I'm not a betting 'human (I forecast instead), but I wager that the winner will be: the signs.

April 20, 2005

Please Don’t

By system

It's 4/20, and the government just replaced the single grain-heavy food pyramid we grew up with 12 different ones to reflect your sex, lifestyle, age, tax filing status, etc.

April 19, 2005

Vote for the Donner Party

By system

It's the second day of A.S. elections, so you should have already voted for me for president, but in case you haven't, I have another campaign promise: As A.S. president, all of the crimes I commit (or allegedly commit, ...

April 18, 2005

Ooooh… Student Government…

By system

Quick! Drop whatever you're doing now (sitting in lecture, breast-feeding, both, etc.), run to a computer, log on to GOLD and vote for the Weatherhuman for A.S. president.

April 15, 2005

There’s the Beef

By system

Some woman supposedly found part of a human finger in her bowl of Wendy's chili. Isn't it weird how people are always finding toes and chicken heads and razors and shit in fast food?

April 14, 2005

Stamp Out Oppression

By system

Stamp-wielding bastards. The only A.S. candidate who gets free propaganda in the Nexus is me. And even I don't get it on the front page.

April 13, 2005

Et Tu, Nexus?

By system

What the hell, Nexus? For the zillionth year in a row, the paper has failed to endorse the Weatherhuman for A.S. president. My own paper!

April 12, 2005

SURRENDER DOROTHY

By system

Look! In the sky! It

April 11, 2005

A.S. Blows (in the Wind)

By system

The walkway from HSSB to Storke Tower looks like a hurricane came through. Over the weekend, the A.S. campaign signs toppled and splintered, and the gales scattered the pieces like campaign confetti.

April 8, 2005

Knuckleheads

By system

I used to think there was nothing that could drive me to kill - not even Tickle Me Elmo. Then I discovered what it's like to sit next to someone who cracks their knuckles throughout an entire lecture.

April 7, 2005

Take the Big Red Challenge

By system

The big new thing here at the Nexus office is to take a Big Red gum wrapper, lick it and stick it to your forehead. After a minute or so, you'll discover something very newsworthy: It burns! It burns!

April 6, 2005

War on Terror, Eh?

By system

Canadians will now have to show their passports when crossing the U.S. border. I suppose that's a good idea.

April 5, 2005

No Sign of Intelligent Life

By system

Huzzah, it's A.S. election season! I can now officially launch my campaign for A.S. president. What do I have that the other candidates lack, you ask?