It’s the second day of A.S. elections, so you should have already voted for me for president, but in case you haven’t, I have another campaign promise: As A.S. president, all of the crimes I commit (or allegedly commit, for you law and society majors) won’t be lame. For example, bashing someone on the head is lame. Petty theft is also lame. I may be guilty of genocide, cannibalism and war crimes, but that’s not lame… that’s leadership.

Tuesday’s forecast: Vote for the Weatherhuman before he or she kills again.