Matt Renner

June 20, 2012

One Stacked Library: The Post-Finals Realization That You Have Been Dating Davidson

By Matt Renner

As planned, Davidson Library will under- go a significant expansion and renovation over the course of the next two years. Construction begins this summer and will be completed sometime in 2014. Current underclassmen and ...

May 24, 2012

Protagonist Finds Solace in Gordita Crunch Wrappper

By Matt Renner

Recently, I took a trip to Taco Bell. I was craving my usual cheesy Gordita Crunch, but the real reason I wanted to go was to try the new Doritos locos taco. This new item combines the satisfying heartiness of a taco wit...

May 18, 2012

It’s Gettin’ Hot in Hurr’: Partygoers Nearly Suffocate in Hormone Cloud

By Matt Renner

UCSB’s Christ-centered fraternity threw a party this past Saturday. With no drugs or alcohol there, the party was completely fueled by the force of repressed sexual energy emanating from the male and female partygoers....

May 11, 2012

Yang in a Wig to Replace Snoop Dogg at Extravaganza

By Matt Renner

Due to bad investments, the Associated Students Program Board has discovered it cannot afford to hire legendary rapper Snoop Dogg for next Sunday’s Extravaganza concert. Fortunately, our generous leader, Chancellor Hen...

May 4, 2012

UC San Diego Student’s Drug Bust Turns Into Luckiest Thing Ever

By Matt Renner

On April 20, Daniel Chong was just relaxing and smoking marijuana with friends. Though it was the annual 4/20 holiday, smoking was not a rare activity for Daniel. He was just going about his normal day. All of a sudden, ...

April 20, 2012

OPP, DP, B.O.S.S.: They’re All Just Arbitrary Acronyms to Me

By Matt Renner

Voting for UCSB’s annual Associated Students elections begins this Monday, and I still don’t know which party to vote for. I was going to vote for the party that put the large, obstructive signs in the middle of the ...

April 17, 2012

Man Uses Titanic in 3D as Last-Ditch Effort to Get Laid

By Matt Renner

On Saturday, April 7, local ladies’ man Brendan Marden bought tickets for himself and Jennifer Pollard for the newly re-released “Titanic” in 3D in an attempt to get laid. Marden, who had been “trying to hit that...

April 6, 2012

I Got Arrested; George Zimmerman Did Not Get Arrested

By Matt Renner

On the night of Feb. 26, 2012, in Sanford, Florida, George Zimmerman shot and killed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin. Miraculously, Zimmerman has not been arrested or charged with any crimes. Our readers wish they could be so...

March 2, 2012

Bro, Your DJ Career Is Probably Not Going to Work Out

By Matt Renner

Dear Morning Stack,   Everybody is pressuring me to be something I’m not. My mom wants me to stay in school. My dad wants me to be a doctor, but I want to be a DJ. I’m not interested in chemistry or biology. I d...

February 24, 2012

Jeremy Lin: Greatest African-American Basketball Player Ever

By Matt Renner

Linsanity has reached a new milestone. After only two-and-a-half weeks of stellar play, the basketball world is in agreement that Jeremy Lin has eclipsed Detlef Schrempf as the greatest African-American basketball player...

February 17, 2012

The Best and Worst of 2012: The Forgotten Categories

By Matt Renner

This past Tuesday the Daily Nexus published its Best of 2012 issue. Readers voted on the best restaurants, locations and establishments of 2012. Today we have our own edition — The Best and Worst of 2012: The Forgotten...

February 10, 2012

FBI Agents Giddy About Gaucho Gossip

By Matt Renner

Prompted by three recent acts of terrorism in the UCSB community, the student body has fallen under scrutiny from the FBI and the Department of Homeland Security. Reporters have learned that these agencies are tapping th...

February 3, 2012

Raucous Party Sparks Philisophical Debate

By Matt Renner

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, does it make a sound? The famous words of philosopher Charles Mann hold special relevance for Kyle Bartman following his belligerent 21st birthday party this past Saturd...

January 27, 2012

Teammates Criticize Eli Manning’s Stupid Face

By Matt Renner

As the New York Giants prepare to face off with the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl for the second time in five years, Eli Manning’s leadership is being questioned by his own teammates due to his constant shit-e...

January 20, 2012

Peeping Tom Mulls Over Puzzling Heartbreak

By Matt Renner

When you get betrayed, it is best not to let your emotions get the best of you. Even though my emotions are still raw, I am taking this opportunity to vent. Recently I was left heartbroken by someone that I admired. It w...

January 13, 2012

A Christmas Miracle: Professor Thanks His Students

By Matt Renner

I am writing this piece to thank the students in my Economics 157 class who opened their hearts and bailed me out during a rough time. It all started a couple of years ago when I lost a lot of money in the real estate cr...