UCSB’s Christ-centered fraternity threw a party this past Saturday. With no drugs or alcohol there, the party was completely fueled by the force of repressed sexual energy emanating from the male and female partygoers. The party was thrown in celebration of the engagement of Sarah Smith and Luke Connors, who agreed to get married last week.

Partygoer Joe Mays said, “The party got really hot and tense, especially when the engaged couple arrived and started talking about getting married. Everyone was just jealous of Luke and Sarah because they were imagining what they were going to do on their wedding night. Also, it didn’t help when Christina showed up in jeans and a tight sweater that didn’t leave much to the imagination.”

The party ended at 10:30 p.m., going later than any party in the fraternity’s history. According to Mays, it was because people were just “too frustrated to go home.”

Fraternity member Matt Holland rejected May’s account of the party: “We weren’t thinking about sex the whole time, it was a great party and we were all happy to enjoy each other’s company even though we are all saving ourselves for marriage. I think it’s kind of sad that people think that sex, drugs and alcohol are the only ways to have fun. You know the real life of the party was Kerry’s excellent home-made guacamole. It was delicious”

But according to most partygoers, the sexual energy was hard to ignore. At one point Smith showed everyone her engagement ring and several women had to go to the bathroom to calm down their libidos.

Later on, a few guys gathered in a bedroom upstairs and watched a drunken couple make out through their window. The men related to each other that sex should be reserved for marriage. However, it took a full hour of talking about Tim Tebow to pacify their erections.

The fraternity has resolved to implement a dress code at their next party. Also, they have agreed to mount non-sexual images of Pope Benedict XVI, Pat Robertson and George W. Bush on the walls in order to discourage impure thoughts.

Daily Nexus satire columnist Matt Renner recommends blue ballin’ it with posters of the Pope.