On Saturday, April 7, local ladies’ man Brendan Marden bought tickets for himself and Jennifer Pollard for the newly re-released “Titanic” in 3D in an attempt to get laid. Marden, who had been “trying to hit that for months,” marked the date as his last effort to finally have sex with Pollard, who, as he told his roommate Henry Lehr, is “just not worth the effort anymore.”

Pollard, who was reportedly uninterested in Marden due to his reputation as a womanizer, begrudgingly accepted his invitation only because of her vehement admiration of the James Cameron blockbuster. Sources confirm that Pollard had no intention of sleeping with Marden after the film.

Critics have called “Titanic 3D” a “revolutionary movie experience”, “dynamic” and went as far as to say that the film “redefines what it means to go to the theater.”

Movie theater employee Joshua Burns agrees: “The new 3D ‘Titanic’ is unbelievable; they really did a great job making the audience feel like they are right there in the middle of the action. For example, by the time the boat starts to sink, all the seats in the theater were drenched!”

Perhaps because of the revolutionary 3D movie experience and transcendent beauty of Jack and Rose’s love, Brendan Marden had a major epiphany during the film. He realized that he was disrespecting women by treating them as little more than sexual objects.

“I now know that a woman’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets, which is worth exploring,” Marden said.

Despite Pollard’s newfound willingness, Marden did not make an attempt to have sex with her when the movie was over. Instead, the two of them stayed up all night talking about their feelings and making erotic sketches of each other.

Daily Nexus satire columnist Matt Renner thinks that “Spy Kids 3D” should have made just as much money as “Inception.”