On the night of Feb. 26, 2012, in Sanford, Florida, George Zimmerman shot and killed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin. Miraculously, Zimmerman has not been arrested or charged with any crimes. Our readers wish they could be so lucky. Today we are taking the time to answer emails from readers who have been arrested for offenses that are far less serious than murder.
Recently, I was arrested for Driving under the Influence; I know that drinking and driving is bad but I was that special type of drunk where you’re a better driver because you’re so focused. You know what I’m talking about, right? — Joe, I.V.
Yes, I know exactly what you’re talking about. Also, the “good drunk-driver” argument is a legitimate legal defense. It may not gain much traction with the police, but hope to God you get Judge O’Malley.
I was arrested for “Drunk in Public.” What does that even mean? Help me. — Dorothy, Santa Barbara
Sorry to hear about it, Dorothy. I don’t get the whole “drunk in public” thing. Nobody wants to get drunk in private. That’s just sad.
I was arrested for domestic violence. I farted in my brother’s face and he called the cops. — James, Goleta
If farting in your brother’s face is a crime, I should be serving 30 years in prison and my brother should be serving life. One time, my brother was farting in my face and I bit his butt cheek so hard that I broke the skin and he got an infection. Another time, I zipped my brother up in a suitcase, cut a small hole in the suitcase, and farted in it through a plastic kazoo. He got back at me by putting my toothbrush up his ass and not telling me for two weeks. But enough about me, I just want to say that calling the cops is lame. A fart to the face should be dealt with like a bad Christmas present: It’s the thought that counts, so receive it gracefully.
I was arrested three times this week for sleeping in the park, what should I do? — Toothless Maggie, homeless resident of Isla Vista
Thanks for reading, Maggie. First, I would like to say that I am impressed that you have an email account. Second, is it more comfortable to sleep in jail or in the park? If the answer is jail, you might want to think about committing a more serious crime so you can stay in jail on a more permanent basis. Just don’t murder an unarmed teenager, because apparently that isn’t a sure-fire way to go to jail anymore.
Note: Isla Vista alone averages 24 arrests per weekend; George Zimmerman HAS NOT BEEN ARRESTED.
Daily Nexus satire columnist Matt Renner still gags every time he brushes his teeth.
Apparently in Florida, you can go to jail for having possession of Marijuana but cold blooded murder is okay as long as you claim self defense. Even if Travon Martin was banging Zimmerman’s head into the ground as they claim, why aren’t people bring up the likelihood that it was in self defense? A lot of people are ignoring the fact that he was pursuing a person in the middle of the night who had done nothing wrong and that the evidence is ON THE 911 TAPE!!!!!
it’s advious that Trevor was behind zimmerman with BAD INTENTIONS with a hood on, so zimmerman wouldn’t find out who he was.. So it’s clear, Trevor was a Drug Addict and Delincuent.. But In my opinion is the Parents FAUL! for not teaching their song to be a good person or religion..
And its o-b-v-i-o-u-s- you’re not to smart. You need to go to the library and check out a book on how to spell, and while you’re there don’t forget to pick up the book of COMMON SENSE. So what Martin had on a hoodie. Hoodie is only a jacket with a cap attached to it, wearing a jacket does not give the excuse to shoot someone. The 911 operator told Zimmerman to STOP following Martin. If Zimmerman had done what he was told, it’s possible Martin would be alive today. And this will be the statement that will have Zimmerman… Read more »