This past Tuesday the Daily Nexus published its Best of 2012 issue. Readers voted on the best restaurants, locations and establishments of 2012. Today we have our own edition — The Best and Worst of 2012: The Forgotten Categories.
Best Place for Guaranteed Diarrhea: Naan Stop
If you’re looking for a long night on the toilet, why not stop by Naan Stop? Their bold flavors set them apart from the normal I.V. dining experience, with a wide selection of vegetarian and chicken dishes, always served with a side of naan. Naan Stop’s food has the uncanny ability to exit your body with the exact amount of moisture and texture that it entered with.
Best Place to Meet Members of the Opposite Sex: Isla Vista Neighborhood Clinic
Where better to spark a new romantic flame than Isla Vista Neighborhood Clinic? Once you meet and click with that special someone, you can send sext messages until you’ve completed your full course of antibiotics. Then let the fun begin. Conveniently located next to a dumpster and the hottest homeless hangout spot in town, it’s the ideal spot to meet the love of your life.
Worst Place to Throw a Molotov Cocktail: Isla Vista Foot Patrol Station
If you have a newly constructed Molotov cocktail on hand, resist the strong urge to throw it at the IVFP station. Though you may still be angry about your MIP arrest, don’t forget that in addition to the full investigative resources of Santa Barbara County Sheriff’s Dept., they have guns in there. If you do happen to throw your Molotov cocktail at the police station, expect to get beaten and shot with pepper balls.
Worst Part About Partying in I.V.: Finger Light Shows
If you perform finger light shows at parties, you are not interesting, cool or talented. Get the fuck out of my face.
Daily Nexus satire columnist Matt Renner would choose four hours of violent, Naan Stop-induced diarrhea over a single hour with a light show “artist.”
Note: Note: All Morning Stack articles are fictional and purely for the sake of humor. They are not intended to offend or deceive any Daily Nexus readers. We hope you enjoyed today’s stack of satire!