As planned, Davidson Library will under- go a significant expansion and renovation over the course of the next two years. Construction begins this summer and will be completed sometime in 2014. Current underclassmen and prospective students are thrilled by the possibility of more study space and a larger collection of academic resources, but Davidson Library’s boyfriend, a guy named Joe Gaucho, doesn’t share the same enthusiasm.

“The library and I have been dating for three years now, so it’s already hard to get that spark that we used to enjoy when we first started dating. After this expansion I just don’t know if I’ll be attracted to her anymore. I just don’t know what to expect,” Joe confessed. “I love every inch of her and I don’t want that to change. I love how tall she is and how her first and second floor jut out past the rest of her. I hope the expansion isn’t too dramatic.”

“How do you think I feel?” the library

responded. “I’m the one who has to go through all of this. Besides, I thought what Joe and I had was more than just physical; if he really loves me, he’ll stay with me no matter what I look like.”

Joe replied: “I do love you baby, and not just for your looks, I’m just concerned that much of our romance and passion is already gone and I don’t want to lose any more of it. Don’t worry baby, things are going to work out. We’re going to make it right.”

Though this story is (obviously) completely factual and literal, it is also a metaphor for those students who were diligently studying for finals last week and literally felt like they were in an intimate relationship with the library. Also, it is an excuse to make insensi- tive and juvenile fat jokes, so there. I hope you all survived finals and have a great summer!

Matt Renner knows why the pages are stuck together.