Matt Renner

November 17, 2011

UCSB Gets Savvy About Dodging Sex Scandals

By Matt Renner

Recent allegations against Jerry Sandusky and the surrounding scandal at Penn State have been a wake-up call for UCSB administrators. “This school simply cannot afford to endure a sexual abuse scandal right now,” Jas...

November 4, 2011

Regents Approve Fee Hike for UC’s Most Attractive Students

By Matt Renner

Amidst growing pressure from protesters, the UC Regents unanimously passed a measure that raises the fees of the top one percent most beautiful students by $400 per quarter. The protestors, who have been hosting large-sc...

October 27, 2011

Annual Festival for Gold Diggers Commences Tonight

By Matt Renner, Opinion Editor

Isla Vista will hold its annual festival for gold diggers tonight and throughout the weekend. Sources confirm that thousands of scantily clad ladies will roam the streets of Isla Vista looking for men who can support the...

October 21, 2011

A.S. Legislative Council Postponed, Members Await Bail Money

By Matt Renner

An Associated Students Legislative Council session could not proceed yesterday due to the fact that every member is currently in custody at Santa Barbara County Jail for various criminal activities. A.S. will not be able...

October 21, 2011

I.V.F.P. Officer Bummed Students Never Invite Him to Parties

By Matt Renner

As a police officer, I am sworn to protect and serve the community. And, although I am a professional who wouldn’t let anything get in the way of my duty, I wish the community would show a bit more gratitude. Sometimes...

October 14, 2011

Fraternity Dog Looking to Settle Down, Try His Paw at Love

By Matt Renner, Opinion Editor

Let me start by saying that I am the house dog and a proud member of the Pi Omega Omega Pi fraternity. I love all my brothers and I know that one day those guys will be the groomsmen at my wedding. In fact, my boy Parker...

October 14, 2011

UCSB Volleyball Team Raises Money Selling DNA to Aryan Brotherhood

By Matt Renner

Statewide budget cuts have put pressure on almost every department of UCSB. Even our most successful sports programs have recently found themselves strapped for cash. But, by a stroke of luck, the UCSB volleyball team wa...

October 7, 2011

Lagoon “Very Impressed” With Length and Girth of Storke Tower

By Matt Renner

Sources have confirmed that the Lagoon and Storke Tower “hooked up” for the first time this past Saturday night. The two were seen canoodling outside a party at their mutual friend Campbell Hall’s house. Friends of...