Amidst growing pressure from protesters, the UC Regents unanimously passed a measure that raises the fees of the top one percent most beautiful students by $400 per quarter. The protestors, who have been hosting large-scale protests since September, have picketed outside beauty salons, designer shoe stores and sorority houses advocating for a plan that would place more of the burden of UC budget cuts on the UC’s sexiest students.

“We speak for the 99 percent ugliest students on the UC campuses,” Jane Plain — a lazy-eyed protestor with bad breath — said. “The super-hot have been taking advantage of honest, unattractive students for too long. They already enjoy the benefits of a more fulfilling social life, an exciting sex life and preferential treatment from professors. Plus, they don’t need that extra $400 per quarter because they can probably get other people to buy stuff for them.”

The generally hideous board of UC Regents released this prepared statement upon passage of the bill: “This measure will not affect normal UC students. The only students that this will affect are so sexy that you can’t even talk to them because you’re afraid you’re going to get a hard-on. I’m talking solid tens. The type of people who walk in a room and all you can do is say DAYUM to your friend sitting next to you. These people haven’t had to pay for anything their whole lives, and it’s time they give something back to the University of California.”

Passage of this measure has provoked public outcry from gorgeous students on all UC campuses except Berkeley, which has none.

“Why should us mega-pretty and ultra-handsome students be taxed for something we were born with?” Mike Jeffries — a thick-haired student with a sharp jawline — said. “This is all-out warfare against the beautiful; this type of jealousy and hatred will not solve our debt problem.”

“I work hard to be this hot,” Christina Brady — a large-breasted student with radiant skin and shapely buttocks — said. “If I’m going to be taxed for being sexy, it will decrease my incentive to dress nice and put on makeup. Ultimately, my sexiness is good for everyone, even those slobs at the 99 percent rallies.”

At press time, the repellently ugly members of the UC Board of Regents had yet to make any new public statements.

— Daily Nexus satire columnist Matt Renner


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