Let me start by saying that I am the house dog and a proud member of the Pi Omega Omega Pi fraternity. I love all my brothers and I know that one day those guys will be the groomsmen at my wedding. In fact, my boy Parker will probably be my best man. However, sometimes I feel like we need to grow up a bit and take life a little more seriously.

Last year it was totally cool. I was 21 years old and loved nothing more than to drink cheap beer and chase tail with my bros. But this year — now that I’m 28 — I feel like I need to face the real world.

Also, some of the sorority girls that we hang out with are a bit immature for my taste. Don’t get me wrong, I love bitches, but I want to find one I could settle down with, maybe even raise a litter or two. We could go to a nice Italian restaurant and perhaps share a plate of spaghetti and a nice bottle of wine rather than the same old burritos and beer.

The fact is, I’m growing up — I have a job chasing the mailman and I’m studying to get my master’s degree in fire hydrant urination, but I feel like my fraternity brothers are lagging behind.