Statewide budget cuts have put pressure on almost every department of UCSB. Even our most successful sports programs have recently found themselves strapped for cash. But, by a stroke of luck, the UCSB volleyball team was approached by Barry Mills, leader of the white supremacist gang the Aryan Brotherhood. Mills told reporters that his organization was “searching for the whitest people in the world in order to store their DNA and ensure the continuance of the white race.”
“I am very pleased with the genetics of the players, who are almost uniformly blond-haired, blue-eyed Aryans — and, as an added bonus, these boys average 6’5,” he said. “If we ever have to repopulate the white race, I hope the new spawns will be as pure-blooded and strong as these fine young men.”
Volleyball Head Coach Ron O’Hare was thrilled about the influx of cash. “I think we could use the money to improve our facilities, and that’s really great because we will be able to attract better recruits,” he said.
The Aryan Brotherhood reportedly bought the DNA as an insurance policy in case blacks, Jews, Latinos and mixed race people take over the world.
But Mills’ search is not over — he is still searching for pure-blooded women who might be willing to donate their uteruses for the cause.
Daily Nexus satire columnist Matt Renner will report next week on the badminton team’s role in Osama bin Laden’s assassination.