Isla Vista will hold its annual festival for gold diggers tonight and throughout the weekend. Sources confirm that thousands of scantily clad ladies will roam the streets of Isla Vista looking for men who can support them financially, and shower them with extravagant gifts.
Future trophy wife Anna Lane couldn’t contain her excitement at the prospect of meeting wealthy men.
“Are you kidding me? All the richest guys come to this festival,” Lane said. “Last year I met Batman. Have you seen Wayne Manor? It’s huge.”
Other local gold diggers shared Anna’s enthusiasm.
“I’m gonna meet the wealthy man of my dreams,” Stacy Morgan said. “Last year I met a rich astronaut. His name is Iron Man and he owns a Fortune 500 company. Plus, I heard a rumor that both Mario and Luigi will attend this year’s festival, and everyone knows that plumbers make a shit-ton of money.”
Sources say that the women attending the festival will be compelled to dress like skanks in order to compete for the attention of wealthy superheroes and other guys who were in movies or on TV. Notable rich guys that will be attending this year’s festival include Hugh Hefner, the male cast members of the “Jersey Shore,” the ghost/zombie version of Michael Jackson and Captain Jack Sparrow.
The festival has been a proud tradition of Isla Vista for decades, but has recently drawn the ire of jealous police and county officials who must subsist on their measly government salaries.
“You’d think it would be great having a bunch of hot chicks wearing almost nothing walking the streets, but I just can’t compete with these rich guys,” Officer Joe Lawson said. “Last year I was talking to this chick in a slutty bunny costume — I thought she was feeling me, but all of the sudden Spider-Man came and took her away. The Spider-Man movies grossed over $1 billion; I make a salary of $44,300. Now how am I supposed to compete?”
Larry Jones of the Santa Barbara Planning Commission is vowing to do whatever he can to disrupt the festival.
“Two years ago, I let my wife go to this festival,” Jones said. “She ended up getting drunk and cheating on me with the red Power Ranger. I will never, ever let this happen again.”
Daily Nexus satire columnist Matt Renner is going as Steve Jobs this halloween.