Weather

February 20, 2003

Time Enough at Last

By system

My professor nearly put me into suspended animation today. As I listened to the drone of his voice, I could feel my blood sugar dropping and hear my heart rate begin to slow.

February 19, 2003

I Get Letters

By system

Do I get fan mail? A little. Do I get hate mail? Sometimes. But more than anything else, I get junk mail. It's literally amazing what people want to sell to the Weatherhuman.

February 18, 2003

A Matter of Time

By system

People have various ways of stopping to evaluate their lives. Some folks find it useful to consider their financial security, their relationships or their work.

February 14, 2003

I’ll love you forever

By system

Alright, I'll make it simple: The problem with Valentine's Day at this university is that most people's idea of a long-term relationship is tantric sex.

February 13, 2003

A Toot ‘ll Do

By system

People take themselves too seriously nowadays. With a looming war, the economy what it is and the gloomy weather, we've seemed to have lost our sense of humor. My solution: People should fart more.

February 12, 2003

You Dare Insult Me Almonds?

By system

It's these cold winter days that make me wish I had an elephant to ride to class. I would name it Gšr Thundertrunk, and together we would trample our foes beneath us.

February 11, 2003

Cupid Was a Capitalist

By system

It's Valentine's week. If you're bitter about the whole thing, you can at least delight in the sheer economics of the whole thing.

February 10, 2003

Week 6: Introduction to Apathy

By system

Chances are you spent the weekend studying for midterms. If you didn't, you had more fun than me. Monday's forecast: Remember, you don't need to know how to do it, as long as you know how to criticize it. God bless a lib...

February 7, 2003

The Lockup

By system

Locking up your bike by Kerr Hall is a bit like signing up to be on American Gladiators. In order to retrieve your bicycle after class, you must first make your way through a solid wall of steel spokes, handlebars and b...

February 6, 2003

Man vs. Machine: Who Will Win?

By system

It's registration time again and I would like to take a moment of silence to mourn the passing of registration by telephone. RBT gave you something to hate. There was a person on the other end of the line - perhaps a rec...

February 5, 2003

Congratulations, I’m Sorry

By system

To give credit where credit is due, I'd like to thank the A.S. Program Board for showing "Bowling for Columbine" last night. Ironically the struggle for tickets was nearly enough to make one resort to gun violence.

February 4, 2003

Tiny Boxes Make Me Happy

By system

If you tried to do Monday's crossword, the answer to 13 down was "REFIT." Twenty-five across was "REPENT." Of course, you would need an extra box to spell either of them.

February 3, 2003

Achoo!

By system

I hate dust. Living in Isla Vista is like setting up a shanty insida a vacuum bag. I leave my stuff out for a week and when I retrieve it I feel like an Indiana Jones raching for a spider-covered idol in the back of some...

January 31, 2003

Write Good

By system

After careful research, I have determined that there are only three kinds of midterms. In keeping with UCSB's fine tradition of simplifying issues until an acronym can be found, I have listed them

January 29, 2003

Coin-Op Hell

By system

The decline of Western civilization is an agonizingly slow process peppered with occasional indicators like inflation, reduced funding for the arts, limitations to individual freedoms, "Elimidate," the rise of corporate ...

January 29, 2003

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

By system

Unless the concept of "more bang for your buck" directly relates to a massive spontaneous failure of the kidneys, two and a half hours is just too long.